Lang may yer lum reek! (Long may your chimney smoke)

“(said of God):If this is the way you treat your friends, it's no wonder you have so few!” St. Teresa of Avila
This quote in many ways sums of my feelings of this past year of my life and yet this is only looking at part of a picture and it is the one I am looking at from this chair in front of my computer screen. In other words I am looking at this picture one sided.

January was met with another semester of school to complete and as I started that semester I was struggling with learning and remembering things for a tests and completing assignments and getting through each day. Which even though a struggle I did get through and at this point I know it was God pulling me through as I was struggling with some depression, frustration, grief and down right I want to quit everything. I didn't quit, I still struggle with some depression and frustration and grief but I did make it through school graduating on May 3rd with an Associates in Arts and Science/Nursing (I still love writing this) and in August I passed my state boards and received my Registered Nurse license.

I was also blessed to attend a Vineyard conference in February, take a trip to Nashville over spring break to see my dear friends Matt and Sam Mulder along with my buddy Ethan and cute Fiona. I also was able to see Sam's mom and catch up with her and make a stop at Gracepointe church. It was then on to Indiana to spend a couple of days with my daughter Sam and her family. My return was the desire to move to Nashville again because I wanted an adventure and even though I have not moved and it seems it may be awhile before that becomes a reality I might be getting some adventures right here in Muskegon.

The summer was spent filling in some open shifts at NOCH and praying and searching to figure out my spot in nursing and even though I had hoped for a job in FBU that does not seem to be where I am going to be right now. Although this is disappointing because that was my big reason for getting my RN I may be starting one of those adventures I am looking for.

I am at Bethany Church and this fall I felt led to coordinate the Twice Fed Bible study meals and so far that has gone quite well. The chili cook off was one of everyone favorites and we have had a filling study as well as filling meals. I am also doing projection for Sunday services and I do enjoy that too. Gospel Choir on Tuesdays nights is a time of praise and worship for me and has added to our Sunday services.

In October a group of us from church attended Christian Community Development Association conference in Cincinnati, Ohio and this conference taught me that there are some people I cannot help, or fix but I can love them all. I know I can only love them all with Christ's love and not my own doing.

I will end the year at Urbana09 an Intervasity Missions conference as a volunteer and again wondering what I will learn.

Sam and Brian are still living in Avilla, IN, which is nice because it is a 3 hour drive from here and Sam is expecting another grandchild for me the end of March or first part of April. I am hoping the baby is born on April 1. Gwen is doing well in school and is at a Montessori based school and Ambree attends preschool at Calvary Lutheran where Sam directs the preschool and Youth group. Brian is job searching and transporting the girls to school.

Mike and Kary are here in Muskegon and Mike works at Port City finishing where there have been some hour cuts but mostly only one shutdown. Laben and Noah are enjoying school and Jaylee is one year old already.

Tim is at Ferris in Big Rapids and should graduate in May with a bachelors in Computer Information Systems. The winter semester for him with be school and job hunting and it will probably be in Indiana or Illinois.

I started this with a quote from St. Teresa so I will end it with this because even though I have and sometimes still am struggling with depression, frustration, hurt, grief it is all part of my restoration or the bigger picture that is not completed yet.
“Let nothing disturb thee; Let nothing dismay thee; All thing pass; God never changes. Patience attains All that it strives for. He who has God Finds he lacks nothing:God alone suffices.”St. Teresa of Avila

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year my friends be blessed.

July 4

The holiday went well. Cookout at Mike's and then fireworks from the 9th floor window. I enjoyed being with the kids. Tim went off with some friends for the evening. Sometimes life acts like it is returning to a routine and most of the time it is. Occasionly some memory is triggered and I first get angry then figure out why. Maybe God can redirect my emotion to something else when a memory is triggered instead of anger.

Anger

Anger has been my nemesis for many years and sometimes it is strange to me how this is the first emotion that comes to my attention. There has been a lot of anger that I have dealt with the past three years surrounding Mike's death and the grief process. I am finding it strange that the anger is so ready to come to the surface.

I have been dealing recently with the anger again and as I was making something to eat this evening it came to me as to why. I am back working 7p-7a and when I was on that shift before Mike made sure supper was ready before I left for work most of the time and if I was not up and moving by a certain time he would check to see why. It if funny the things you miss and the things you have to change when someone close to you is no longer there. I am still finding out what this new life is like as a single person after being a couple for so long. The years go on and after all the big firsts it is the little things that really create a void that this person is no longer a part of my life. It has been those little things that sometimes have created the largest void that in all reality will be the most difficult to fill. Like hooking up the cable box to the tv and dvd player so you can play dvd's on the tv. I will work it out but it is an inconvenience right now but I can play them on the computer.

I am thankful for a heavenly Father that is there to coach me through these times. Prayer and gratitude ebb away the anger because I have been blessed with many new good things like new friendships from church and school and where I live. I have been blessed with a simpler life and the accomplishment of finishing school. Good communication grows between my kids and I and I love the 5 grandchildren I have and who always miss me. It is becoming a good life.

Rough

Today was a rough day. Missing my dad, missing Mike, having no one to celebrate with thankful that I was suppose to work tonight so I could sleep. But now I am awake and the ache is still there and my daughter called and said how she was missing her dad a lot lately. I know what she means.

It comes and goes in waves and some days it is horrible or I am so angry with him about something in the past that the hurt is rubbed out by the anger. I continue to learn about grief and the feelings that come along with it. Then there is dealing with the feelings or not. Most of the time I do choose to deal with them because I have learned what ever you don't deal with will come back to haunt you.

Tonight I am on call for the hospital so I am up for a while but will sleep soon. I ache more for my kids and I know it is something they have to deal with and I can not protect them from it or take it away for them. We must all walk through.

Much Has Happened

Since April 16, 2009 many things have taken place only to prove that change is a constant way of life.

April 30, 2009 I resigned as a deacon from our church realizing it was not what I was called to do at this point in my life. I will live in the background.

May 3, 2009 I graduated from Muskegon Community College with an Associates in Science and Arts degree/Nursing. I have sent my application in for taking the RN state boards.

June 10, 2009 I started back at North Ottawa Community Hospital as and LPN/GN and will be able to work full time this summer.

June 12-14, 2009 I attended the Multi-Ethnic Conference of the CRC. It was life changing for me and has given me many things to pursue to change in my own life so that I can effectively support changes in the church. Some of the questions that came up was what is it like to be an Irish, Scottish, Bohemin, Blackfoot, English American female in today's world? What does it mean for me who has spent the last 30 years in pentecostal, charismaic non-denominations to now be back in the Christian Reform Denomination? What does God want my home church to look and be like and how does that match scripture?

I learned about self-theologizing and that in doing this I am letting God form my beliefs to his word instead of just allowing me to be had fed what this scripture means and believeing. I also learned this is ok.

It was absolutly great being with my brothers and sisters from all over the US and of different ethinic lives. I heard so many stories and I love that. I also heard the stories of my brother and sisters from my own church and got to know them better. A closeness I will cherish.

I learned the church has come a long way, it is growing but we still have a ways to go before we can accept and cherish each others differences and "love each one as our neighbor." I learned that there are people dedicated to keep the church going in the acceptance direction, to keep reminding people that we are all image bearers of our Heavenly Father. I met a new brother, Mark Charles, Reggie Heywood and a couple from LA Richard and Allison Jones. I was reunited with brothers and sisters from two years ago. My highlight was witnessing the Synod of 2009 elect Rev. Shelia Holmes as their Vice-President evidence that God's "will is done on earth as it is in Heaven."
buíochas le Dia! for all your gifts. (Irish gaelic)

Last Night of Clinical

tonight was my last night of clinical. I made it now there are two exams to study for and my boards and I will be an RN. A journey that started in 2004 and so much has changed. At the end of this journey two of my children are married, one in college, my mother-in-law has went to her heavenly home along with my husband, pastor and dad. I lived in a three bedroom house with basement and now occupy a two room apartment but the rent is unbeatable. However the moment was bitter sweet as I walked in the door tonight after being out with classmates this evening. It was silent and there was no one to welcome me home or at this time hug me and say you made it! I know many are supporting and cheering and praying me on but these moments are when the tears come easy and the ache like a black hole. The classmates sang Happy Birthday tonight because it is that as well and I have been greeted by facebook messages and phone calls. The ache, aches. Do I try to go to sleep or just rumble at the computer?

It has been a great day!!!!

This Week

It was a good week at clinical's but it started turning melancholy when I found out that a friend from my Le Leche League years ended her earthly journey due to cancer. What a shock! I had seen her at the Art Fair down town a few years ago and we talked about kids, church and things that were happening. We were moms together and her oldest and my youngest were 4 months apart and we were nurses together and followers of Christ together because we did not talk religion but relationship. My three kids and I would go to their house in Lakeside and visit, walk over the dune, and play with them. Then they moved--Twin Lake I believe. One of the other times we seen each other was at a Michael Card concert at Maranatha. I can still see her beautiful smile and twinkle in her eyes.

Last night as I was finishing up some duties I learned of a three year old with brain cancer. She has been in this journey with her parents since December of last year and it was in the way her dad said her name that made my heart melt. Her great grandmother also has cancer and is struggling through added diagnosis.

And then today I read where another familiar person from my past also left this earth and flew to the arms of Jesus. Her family was surrounding her too and now I can hear her singing in that heavenly choir around the throne in a stand out voice this time. Our boys played soccer together and I can see her on the sidelines.

As I was watching the last episode of ER it just reinforced the fact of this circle we travel in life and with the other events of this week to keep our friendships intact and clear and clean. We do not know what the next second will bring or be but we will get some sleep and go at again tomorrow.

My heart hurts for these families here is where the sting lies and knowing all I can do in pray for them some how seems frustrating but knowing what the Father can do brings comfort. I wish they could avoid this journey but on the other hand I have no idea what our Father has for them and it will be more than I can" immeasurably ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us," Ephesians 3:20 (NIV)

Lenten Journey

What is our consumerism costing us? Reflecting on this question that Richard Dahlstrom raises in his book I can defiantly see where in my past this consuming did cost me time away from the kids, but even more anxiety, worry and stress on how we were going to have money to cover all that needed to be covered. It also cost me time away from being with friends and family. Consumerism also took joy out of my life because I was afraid not to pick up an extra day of work or refuse overtime. For my next 14 years I hope to bring a better balance to work, people, and fellowship. I know that I am headed in the right direction and that I definatly live a simpler life that what we did in the past and I am thankful for that.

Lenten Journey

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9 (ESV)
This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief. 1 Timothy 1:15 (KJV)

Thus I spent yesterday reminding God that I will never get this Christian walk right, of how I am not worth it, how I will always fail, how I should jut give up and get out. He did not listen to me and as I watched the Vocal Band reunion DVD and heard Jon Mohr and Steve Green's testimonies grace overcame and the blood of Jesus again washed me clean and reminded me as a pot I really cannot tell the potter how much I am worth. He also gave me a dream last night that I was in this class and we were discussing something and the instructor turned to a page in a book that was written in Hebrew. I could see the Hebrew letters and the instructor said, "Remember this means ..." and he said something in Hebrew which i don't remember what it was but when I got up today the burden was lifted and I felt good. God's faithfulness prevailed and He continues His work in my life.

Bill Gaither said on the DVD, "Isn't good to live long enough that finally, the lyrics of songs and the message of the gospel catches up to where you are and where you're living? And if you live long enough and if you're honest enough, sooner or later, those things that we have sungg and heard and heard preached all our lives become a reality." It is real in my life.

Early AM

I have been told I minimize things it is becoming very clear to me that I do minimize things. The past week has been very stressful with a test and 3 days of clinical. The first few days are always difficult getting used to charting on a new system, a new routine, new times, a new unit, and all the other stuff. I now have 12 days left. I can do this but I need to call on my arm lifters, those that pray, talk to me instead of trying to handle it all on my own. It has been a tough week and I did not sleep well last night and some where along the way I thought about Mike, and others I have lost so I was emotionally empty and even though I thought I spent some time refueling with the Lord yesterday evidently not enough and that is when I should have asked for prayer or talked with some to encourage me or pour something into me. I need to quit trying to do it on my own and admit when I that I am wiped out. I have listen to God to find out when to reach out because I don't know and when I need help.

Lenten Journey

Another new thought from O2. Do I define my life by what I give instead of what I consume. Does this thought help really help to reorder priorities and will it help me decide what to buy or what to give. Will this form of thinking decrease the anxiety of worrying about what will I eat, wear, or drink? Will I begin to witness hope instead of anxiety? Is this the new Christian political agenda? Or is what Jesus intended all along?

Break to do dishes and think about what I have read.

So what Richard Dahlstrom is really talking about here is a life style change altogether. By scaling down my consumerism and buying food from local farmers at the farmers market I am taking care of creation. (Less transport, fewer is any chemicals, antibiotics, pesticides in the food.) If this food is healthier than I am taking care of God's sanctuary, i.e. my body. By taking care of my body I may have more energy to help clean up a neighborhood park, participate in a neighborhood VBS and play games with the kids, and I may have enough energy to invite friends over and cook out in the Gazebo and spend time fellowshiping and maybe play a game of backyard soccer or volleyball.

So, again the idea of no man is an island has been mapped out in even something as simple as how I buy food and how it effects a community. The Christian life is not just about me! It is a pebble in a pond that causes ripples or waves depending on how big of a slash you want to make and to stand a part or away from still creates ripples also thougth maybe not ones you really want to create.

This is more than just reading the Bible more or praying more or spending more alone time with God so I can be a better Christian and a more effective witness this is actually about being a Christ like person. WOW!

March

I am now in my last few weeks of nursing school. I will be done April 27. I can't believe it is almost done and I will be able to do boards for my RN. I am on a medical floor which is not what I prefer or what I feel comfortable doing but so far it has been ok and what I do now I don't have to do for a lifetime.

I have also been reading with school stuff a book by Richard Dahlstorm, titled O2. It has been very interesting in which it talks about inhaling and exhaling and bringing a balance to Christian disciplines. I find it interesting as part of this process he talks about the consumerism in America these days. I know for a long time it seemed that I was working to just keep things fixed, replace broken things or buy the latest electronic gadget but now that has stopped in the last three years and when I was working it was to live day to day and give some of it away. I am continuing to dething (not a word I know but appropiate) my life. I am a collector of books I want to read I book I buy one but I have changed partly due to decreased revenue but partly because I don't need to own the book. I use the library and interlibrary loan. Granted I have to keep track of due dates but it is still cheaper than owning it and I don't have to store it afterward. Paring down my clothes closet is another task I have done. I think next might be DVD's after all there are only certain ones I watch regularly and again if I don't have them I don't have to store them. Renting is cheaper in the long run. CD's are a problem because if they are just on the hard drive they should be backed up incase it crashes and I am a music junkie. So that may be my main colletion. After I graduate getting rid of the storage shed is the next money saving move I make.

I actually am enjoying a simpler life and am looking forward to spending days reading, having friends over, and seeing what other ways God might show on how live simply.

Happy Valentines Day

Today is Valentines Day, the day for love and lovers. The day merchants and flower shops hope to ring in big bucks as we buy things to show people how much we love them. Why do we have to buy something for them? Why can't we be with them, send them a note or e-card expressing our love and care for them?

Our Father expresses his delight in us by singing over us. I am his favorite. Then so are you. I don't recall ever making a big deal out of Valentines day. I would put a heart table cloth on, light a candle, and we would do something special for dinner either by going out or cooking something special or ordering pizza. The best part was just being with someone and putting in a movie or a Gaither DVD and listen to God's love for me. Now my Father takes delight in me.


The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. Zeph 3:17

Jan 2

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isa. 43:18-19 (TNIV)

Let us watch and see what the Lord does this year and watch for new things in our lives and neighborhoods. The things that come to life in our lives can be brought into our jobs, churches and in the places we live

25 Things

1. I am in school.
2. I have a tattoo
3. I have become cityfied after growing up on a farm.
4. I love ice cream as long as it is not chocolate.
5. I don't like chocolate except for when I have a chocolate day.
6. I am a music junkie.
7. I could start my own library and that is after I have given away some books.
8. I would like to meet any of the Grahams.
9. Diet Coke is my caffine fix.
10. I have tried to give it up and can not get very far.
11. I hate doing laundry.
12. I love my Jimmy.
13. I like watching Overhauling.
14. I am a die hard football fan.
15. I like watching the final four in Basketball.
16. I love being a grandmother.
17. I have a hard time not burning grilled cheese sandwhiches.
18. I am an classic movie fan.
19. I would like to attend a Gaither homecoming taping.
20. ER is my favorite TV show.
21. NCIS and CSI are next.
22. Potatoes are a stapel.
23. I can't sleep if my feet are cold.
24. I like to sew.
25. I want to take mission medical trips.

Jan 26

Here I am at the brink of the Red Sea and the enemy coming from behind and I am sitting on the beach not wanting to cross not wanting to go back wanting to just sit there. The problem is I keep getting this nudge to go forward and I have kept ignoring it. My mood has been getting bleaker and the desire to move forward keeps waning but again I keep getting poked to go forward. The connection comes that maybe if I start going forward the mood will improve and I will see sunshine. The area to work on is the desire which may have to come from above but there is also this choice I need to make. I should choose to move forward and not just sit there. Like Israel had to choose life or death or blessing or cursing. Like Cain had a choice to do well or choose to be resentful and angry. Like choosing who you will serve. Like the crowds had a choice between Barabbas and Jesus. Choose to get up and move and the sea parts and you can walk through on dry ground.