Another Brick in the Road

It is November in Michigan and it is snowing before Thanksgiving for the first time in years. I used to when I was a kid many, many years ago. I remember because all the hunters in the family were excited to be able to have the snow to track the deer. But I don't remember this much snow nor it being this cold that the tears in your eyes freeze to your eyelashes, your nose hairs quit moving because they are froze and the snow crunches under each step of your boots.

It is 12:38 am, Tuesday, November 18 and nine days before Thanksgiving I am writing this in my bed with the electric blanket on and I am alone. This reminds me it is that time again when not everyone will have a full table next Thursday. There will be empty places shouting out to those gathered. Not all places are empty because of death but are empty because that person is in prison and maybe it has been many holiday's they have celebrated away from their families.

If it is the first is it is particularly painful for the family and the one incarcerated. The chatter around the table isn't quite so lighthearted and animated and maybe there is not a lot of chatter at all. With each beat of ones heart it aches because that person is missing. Maybe you just cannot believe that your family member is actually behind bars or maybe it is a repeat and the questions include why and how can this be happening again. There may be tears and awkward silences at the table and your wish is that this day would just be done.

I am grateful that this years all my family will be around and I am blessed to be able to celebrate with someone who has spent the last four years behind bars. It will be a first for him and his dad to be together and break bread together. My heart is full of joy.

Then I think of those who are in Nursing homes and the people who just don't seem to have anybody. I pray you will be aware of those people. Please be sensitive and maybe invite them to your holiday dinner. I am grateful that Thanksgiving is one holiday I have not spent alone and I have had an enjoyable time with the family I did spend it with but I am aware not all people are so blessed. Families are fractured, people are angry or bitter, some are just too far away, some are incarcerated. I pray they will be reached out to.

The Journey

It seems like it is crying time again. In trying to analyze this I am thinking the main contributor is the fact I have not been taking any antidepressant because of an enlarged liver and increased enzymes. But there are also some other physical problems brewing in my body too that could contribute to the tears and weeping.

So much of this journey has been lonely and done alone. Now that fact is magnified a few days out of every month where my emotions are depressed and I think and cry. And I cry over anything and everything and it has not been something I can stop. So right now I can not help but feel alone and slipping.

I thought some relief had come my way to find out it was not what I thought it was but it has been a welcome change. Financial problems continue, changes keep coming in social security, I would like more space but can not afford it, had some tire problems today and because I did not pay closer attention to my account racked up overdraft charges, that I don't want to confess to anyone, but they will cut into my SS big time. Hopefully I have that interview next week and can get a possible start date to ease the money plight that began in June when I signed for that car for Kary and Mike and the insurance killed me. Just as I was going to recover I mess up. Hopefully I won't lose the food stamps and Nov is a short month.

Poverty feels like it has secured itself in my life. I am a registered nurse, widowed in poverty and I just can't believe this is the life I was intended to have.

Then there are church issues should gays take communion? Is the gospel a "social justice" gospel? Why do we need education regarding race reconciliation? Why can't more people help with church ministries? It seems these are the same battles that have been pulling at the church since it's inception. The letter of Hebrews deals with Jews who want to revert to their tradition because it was familiar to them and easy. Romans is about Christian duties, Galatians argued grace vs law, Ephesians addresses unity among believers, Philippians looks at the love Christ has for His church, and Philemon encourages forgiveness of another. James instructs us that our faith should bring a change in our priorities and behaviors. I think all these questions are answered in the letters maybe not verbatim but in the matters of forgiveness, love and how we treat others. And I this too makes me cry.