History

As I was in Meijers last week I was browsing the book section when I came across this title, “This Isn’t the Life I Signed Up For…But I’m Finding Hope and Healing” and needless to say I picked up the book and began reading the chapter titles. Surprisingly I could relate to all the chapter titles. The author is Donna Partow and she is an author and motivational speaker.

I Didn’t Sign up for a painful childhood is one of her chapter titles and this is very true for me also but it did happen and I have worked through it with a counselor. It was also as a result of the painful childhood that I looked for guidance from wise counsel to raise my children.

The other titles that appeared are also things I did not sign up for like; the disappointing relationships or the disappointments that happen in relationships when we let each other down or don’t live up to the expectations we have of each other. Or making foolish choices and that could be a book all in its self maybe even more books that the world could hold?  Then there is the disappointment with God so to speak for me it is disappoint in all that I have learned about God that is not necessarily so but a denomination or another’s interpretation of what they think God and scripture is.

Any way I also didn’t sign up for getting a job and losing it, thinking I would be occupationally secure with the RN license, or watching my kids struggle in their jobs and relationships and raising kids. After all I had prepared for an “easier” life I thought by encouraging college, waiting for marriage, kids, etc.  I didn’t sign up for the loneliness of being a widow after all it was till death do we part but I had not comprehended it would be when he was 56 and I was 47. Now in the empty nest years when we could be having fun I am alone and not being able to talk to him about all these things I am bearing the burden alone. I don’t have a problem being alone but when it comes to the lack of verbal and social interaction that’s when it can become overwhelming and on Sunday afternoon’s it seems to be at its worst. Not that we really did anything outstanding on those afternoons and every other Sunday for the last 13 years I was usually working. Pardon me I am rambling now.

I didn’t sign up for my body to betray me with aches, pains, and worn out joints. Or for stress to take its toll not only on the physical but the mental aspects of my life I have found it very hard to accept the fact that I am not invincible.  I signed up for happiness, great health, love, perfect little family, and to make a difference as the chapter titles conclude. Whether or not I have these things is really a matter of perspective.  I don’t have them if I look at with my or societal definitions. But as I look at that list and think and look at through the Birth of Christ lens well then I do have these things.   3 But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.  4 Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds-- his name is the LORD-- and rejoice before him.  Psalm 68:3-4 (NIV) I know that happy can come and go but rejoicing before my God does make me happy. Thinking of things I am grateful for makes me happy. The Message Bible says, 15 A miserable heart means a miserable life; a cheerful heart fills the day with song. Proverbs 15:15 (MSG), or “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.”
Yeah I have some aches and pains but my health is better than some and God is restoring my soul along the way in regards to the emotional-mental health part of my life. He is still working on me and maybe even a healthier me!

My family is there for me and my kids’s well they are the blessings of my life and have given me grandkids! But there are things I do wish they would learn quickly and skip that particular heartache. The boys could remember what they were taught and start practicing without stressing their mom out. But then would I learn to let go and let God? Would they learn about faith and God's mercy and grace?

Then there is this bigger family God has given me the family of God and it is not just here in Muskegon. I connect with others across this land and when I am with them there has not been too many times I have not felt that I am not with family. God has blessed with so much to be accepted and loved by so many.  This year is coming to a close and I am here writing about history and as I look ahead I do want to remember that I accepted the path of an ordinary baby that left an extraordinary course for me to follow and He has given me the help I need to do finish the course.

How do I finish this off? I am not really sure which I guess is right where it needs to be because I am not finished yet. My current theme song is, "The Potter Knows The Clay" by The Perry's and a line from that is, "It's gonna be okay." Good place to stop for this year.
One day at a time and holding to His unchanging hand! Have a very Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with hope.