History

As I was in Meijers last week I was browsing the book section when I came across this title, “This Isn’t the Life I Signed Up For…But I’m Finding Hope and Healing” and needless to say I picked up the book and began reading the chapter titles. Surprisingly I could relate to all the chapter titles. The author is Donna Partow and she is an author and motivational speaker.

I Didn’t Sign up for a painful childhood is one of her chapter titles and this is very true for me also but it did happen and I have worked through it with a counselor. It was also as a result of the painful childhood that I looked for guidance from wise counsel to raise my children.

The other titles that appeared are also things I did not sign up for like; the disappointing relationships or the disappointments that happen in relationships when we let each other down or don’t live up to the expectations we have of each other. Or making foolish choices and that could be a book all in its self maybe even more books that the world could hold?  Then there is the disappointment with God so to speak for me it is disappoint in all that I have learned about God that is not necessarily so but a denomination or another’s interpretation of what they think God and scripture is.

Any way I also didn’t sign up for getting a job and losing it, thinking I would be occupationally secure with the RN license, or watching my kids struggle in their jobs and relationships and raising kids. After all I had prepared for an “easier” life I thought by encouraging college, waiting for marriage, kids, etc.  I didn’t sign up for the loneliness of being a widow after all it was till death do we part but I had not comprehended it would be when he was 56 and I was 47. Now in the empty nest years when we could be having fun I am alone and not being able to talk to him about all these things I am bearing the burden alone. I don’t have a problem being alone but when it comes to the lack of verbal and social interaction that’s when it can become overwhelming and on Sunday afternoon’s it seems to be at its worst. Not that we really did anything outstanding on those afternoons and every other Sunday for the last 13 years I was usually working. Pardon me I am rambling now.

I didn’t sign up for my body to betray me with aches, pains, and worn out joints. Or for stress to take its toll not only on the physical but the mental aspects of my life I have found it very hard to accept the fact that I am not invincible.  I signed up for happiness, great health, love, perfect little family, and to make a difference as the chapter titles conclude. Whether or not I have these things is really a matter of perspective.  I don’t have them if I look at with my or societal definitions. But as I look at that list and think and look at through the Birth of Christ lens well then I do have these things.   3 But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.  4 Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds-- his name is the LORD-- and rejoice before him.  Psalm 68:3-4 (NIV) I know that happy can come and go but rejoicing before my God does make me happy. Thinking of things I am grateful for makes me happy. The Message Bible says, 15 A miserable heart means a miserable life; a cheerful heart fills the day with song. Proverbs 15:15 (MSG), or “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.”
Yeah I have some aches and pains but my health is better than some and God is restoring my soul along the way in regards to the emotional-mental health part of my life. He is still working on me and maybe even a healthier me!

My family is there for me and my kids’s well they are the blessings of my life and have given me grandkids! But there are things I do wish they would learn quickly and skip that particular heartache. The boys could remember what they were taught and start practicing without stressing their mom out. But then would I learn to let go and let God? Would they learn about faith and God's mercy and grace?

Then there is this bigger family God has given me the family of God and it is not just here in Muskegon. I connect with others across this land and when I am with them there has not been too many times I have not felt that I am not with family. God has blessed with so much to be accepted and loved by so many.  This year is coming to a close and I am here writing about history and as I look ahead I do want to remember that I accepted the path of an ordinary baby that left an extraordinary course for me to follow and He has given me the help I need to do finish the course.

How do I finish this off? I am not really sure which I guess is right where it needs to be because I am not finished yet. My current theme song is, "The Potter Knows The Clay" by The Perry's and a line from that is, "It's gonna be okay." Good place to stop for this year.
One day at a time and holding to His unchanging hand! Have a very Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with hope.

Reality Check

1 For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven—God-made, not handmade
2 —and we'll never have to relocate our "tents" again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move—and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what's coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we're tired of it! We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! 2 Corinthians 5:1-2 (MSG)

This week I have had a big time reality check. I knew I had arthritis in my right knee because I had it replaced. At the time my left knee was bothered some. It will be 3 years in January that my right knee was done.

At times in the past my back would hurt and if I rearranged furniture or did a lot of pushing and pulling my back would cramp and ache. Well this week I had to wait a couple of days to get an anti-inflammatory filled that I had been taking for back pain since some other meds have been changed. Believing strongly that I could go 2 days without this med I picked it up on Wednesday.

I have a new flash. I am no longer invincible. The tent is wearing out a lot faster than everything else and it has started with the joints. So as I was shuffling across the street Wednesday it was more that I could hardly  move vs being care of the ice. This whole thing just totally snuck up on me and took me totally by surprise. How dare my body betray me like that! I should not feel this way till 80. So I now know to keep a level in my system and to watch and move more with intention. It is also making me examine how to best continue my career in nursing. So many things to consider.

Another Solider

It was not snowing this afternoon as it had been this morning when I walked to McLaughlin School to be present as the kids are getting out of school in the afternoon after two more attempted assaults against the children. Another neighbor was up there so I stood with him and he and I greeted the kids as they came out and he would joke and kid with them I would follow his lead and joke with the kids.

I had skipped Ladies Fellowship today because I had been napping and when I woke up about one I didn't feel like waking up so I just slept some more and then walked up to the school. It was a nice walk, cold, brisk, but little to know wind and nice. But as I came back by the church there was the ambulance and fire truck and knowing the group there I started going through the list of those who had not been feeling well lately but as I came up to the door my friend was coming to her car and told me who it was.She needed to take her mother-in-law home so I told her to pull around front and I would bring her out to the car so one the other of the ladies and I did that.

I started reading a book by Gordon McDonald entitled, "Who Stole My Church?"  and the conversations in the book I could hear come from many in the church I attend and it is really striking a chord in me.

I stopped over to our Pastor's house on my way home to check on him and as we talked about the group of ladies there he mentioned how resilient they were and that struck a chord in me and he is so right. The senior group of people at our church are very resilient and how they bounced back from so many of the valleys and twists and turns of life.

I wonder how did they become that way? How do we bounce back? I also wonder what happened to my resiliency? Did I every really have any or was it just me bluffing? Is it possible to get resiliency back? What plans does God have for me and why am I in a place where the saints are so fragile?