History

As I was in Meijers last week I was browsing the book section when I came across this title, “This Isn’t the Life I Signed Up For…But I’m Finding Hope and Healing” and needless to say I picked up the book and began reading the chapter titles. Surprisingly I could relate to all the chapter titles. The author is Donna Partow and she is an author and motivational speaker.

I Didn’t Sign up for a painful childhood is one of her chapter titles and this is very true for me also but it did happen and I have worked through it with a counselor. It was also as a result of the painful childhood that I looked for guidance from wise counsel to raise my children.

The other titles that appeared are also things I did not sign up for like; the disappointing relationships or the disappointments that happen in relationships when we let each other down or don’t live up to the expectations we have of each other. Or making foolish choices and that could be a book all in its self maybe even more books that the world could hold?  Then there is the disappointment with God so to speak for me it is disappoint in all that I have learned about God that is not necessarily so but a denomination or another’s interpretation of what they think God and scripture is.

Any way I also didn’t sign up for getting a job and losing it, thinking I would be occupationally secure with the RN license, or watching my kids struggle in their jobs and relationships and raising kids. After all I had prepared for an “easier” life I thought by encouraging college, waiting for marriage, kids, etc.  I didn’t sign up for the loneliness of being a widow after all it was till death do we part but I had not comprehended it would be when he was 56 and I was 47. Now in the empty nest years when we could be having fun I am alone and not being able to talk to him about all these things I am bearing the burden alone. I don’t have a problem being alone but when it comes to the lack of verbal and social interaction that’s when it can become overwhelming and on Sunday afternoon’s it seems to be at its worst. Not that we really did anything outstanding on those afternoons and every other Sunday for the last 13 years I was usually working. Pardon me I am rambling now.

I didn’t sign up for my body to betray me with aches, pains, and worn out joints. Or for stress to take its toll not only on the physical but the mental aspects of my life I have found it very hard to accept the fact that I am not invincible.  I signed up for happiness, great health, love, perfect little family, and to make a difference as the chapter titles conclude. Whether or not I have these things is really a matter of perspective.  I don’t have them if I look at with my or societal definitions. But as I look at that list and think and look at through the Birth of Christ lens well then I do have these things.   3 But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.  4 Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds-- his name is the LORD-- and rejoice before him.  Psalm 68:3-4 (NIV) I know that happy can come and go but rejoicing before my God does make me happy. Thinking of things I am grateful for makes me happy. The Message Bible says, 15 A miserable heart means a miserable life; a cheerful heart fills the day with song. Proverbs 15:15 (MSG), or “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.”
Yeah I have some aches and pains but my health is better than some and God is restoring my soul along the way in regards to the emotional-mental health part of my life. He is still working on me and maybe even a healthier me!

My family is there for me and my kids’s well they are the blessings of my life and have given me grandkids! But there are things I do wish they would learn quickly and skip that particular heartache. The boys could remember what they were taught and start practicing without stressing their mom out. But then would I learn to let go and let God? Would they learn about faith and God's mercy and grace?

Then there is this bigger family God has given me the family of God and it is not just here in Muskegon. I connect with others across this land and when I am with them there has not been too many times I have not felt that I am not with family. God has blessed with so much to be accepted and loved by so many.  This year is coming to a close and I am here writing about history and as I look ahead I do want to remember that I accepted the path of an ordinary baby that left an extraordinary course for me to follow and He has given me the help I need to do finish the course.

How do I finish this off? I am not really sure which I guess is right where it needs to be because I am not finished yet. My current theme song is, "The Potter Knows The Clay" by The Perry's and a line from that is, "It's gonna be okay." Good place to stop for this year.
One day at a time and holding to His unchanging hand! Have a very Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with hope.

Reality Check

1 For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven—God-made, not handmade
2 —and we'll never have to relocate our "tents" again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move—and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what's coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we're tired of it! We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! 2 Corinthians 5:1-2 (MSG)

This week I have had a big time reality check. I knew I had arthritis in my right knee because I had it replaced. At the time my left knee was bothered some. It will be 3 years in January that my right knee was done.

At times in the past my back would hurt and if I rearranged furniture or did a lot of pushing and pulling my back would cramp and ache. Well this week I had to wait a couple of days to get an anti-inflammatory filled that I had been taking for back pain since some other meds have been changed. Believing strongly that I could go 2 days without this med I picked it up on Wednesday.

I have a new flash. I am no longer invincible. The tent is wearing out a lot faster than everything else and it has started with the joints. So as I was shuffling across the street Wednesday it was more that I could hardly  move vs being care of the ice. This whole thing just totally snuck up on me and took me totally by surprise. How dare my body betray me like that! I should not feel this way till 80. So I now know to keep a level in my system and to watch and move more with intention. It is also making me examine how to best continue my career in nursing. So many things to consider.

Another Solider

It was not snowing this afternoon as it had been this morning when I walked to McLaughlin School to be present as the kids are getting out of school in the afternoon after two more attempted assaults against the children. Another neighbor was up there so I stood with him and he and I greeted the kids as they came out and he would joke and kid with them I would follow his lead and joke with the kids.

I had skipped Ladies Fellowship today because I had been napping and when I woke up about one I didn't feel like waking up so I just slept some more and then walked up to the school. It was a nice walk, cold, brisk, but little to know wind and nice. But as I came back by the church there was the ambulance and fire truck and knowing the group there I started going through the list of those who had not been feeling well lately but as I came up to the door my friend was coming to her car and told me who it was.She needed to take her mother-in-law home so I told her to pull around front and I would bring her out to the car so one the other of the ladies and I did that.

I started reading a book by Gordon McDonald entitled, "Who Stole My Church?"  and the conversations in the book I could hear come from many in the church I attend and it is really striking a chord in me.

I stopped over to our Pastor's house on my way home to check on him and as we talked about the group of ladies there he mentioned how resilient they were and that struck a chord in me and he is so right. The senior group of people at our church are very resilient and how they bounced back from so many of the valleys and twists and turns of life.

I wonder how did they become that way? How do we bounce back? I also wonder what happened to my resiliency? Did I every really have any or was it just me bluffing? Is it possible to get resiliency back? What plans does God have for me and why am I in a place where the saints are so fragile?

Labor Day

I pray Dear God tell me what is wrong with me. The depression won't go away. I have been crying since last week off and on and called my job counselor and my counselor but everything is still up in the air. The feelings run on forever and just won't stop. One minuet I am frustrated because I feel so rotten and then scold myself because I have much to be thankful for. Then I feel lonely and then I talk to one of my kids on line or someone on face book or go see Pam but I feel lonely. Its like it is something that never goes away no matter how many people are around.

I spent the weekend with Sam's family in IN and I got some great pics of the kids. Good drive there and back. Mike's family is settled temporarily, and Tim starts a job in Lansing at IBM this week. But I am bummed.

I am feeling used up like I have been doing so much for everybody for so long that there is no more of me left. I keep attracting situations that require more of my emotion or some one trying to get money from me to bail them out or those that need a babysitter. I get to Wed at work and the next two days are all down hill. I am tired and can't wake up, I tearful and by Friday every step I take is labored. Maybe I am paying penance for not being more understanding of Mike. I don't know but it is crap and I need to find a way out of this.

I think God's grace is sufficient but don't know how to access the sufficiency. I know God will fight for me but don't know if he is or if I am letting him. I sure do not feel he is answering me when I ask to show me the problem or how to get out of this. I have tried medication and the effects are temporary until the hormones swing then nothing seems to work. Its Paul stating I do the things I don't want to and don't do the things I want to. Except there seems no solution for my problem at least with Paul's there is now no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus.

Help.

Another Day

I am depressed. My head aches and my back is cramping continuously. The past two days at work have been stressed which has contributed to my head and cramps. Of course the menstruation that is happening doesn't help either which is causing the cramps. I don't feel content or pleased with my life right now at all. I feel that the road is completely up hill. Bills I can barely pay and people wanting more money than I have. All for what to live another day.

Kingdom Works

It is so interesting to me how the Lord speaks to me these days and how I can see Kingdom truths that can come from some of the most unusual places like Sister Act, the movie. Like when Delores is talking with theabout the new rendition of Hail Holy Queen.
Reverend Mother:   Girl groups? Boogie woogie on the piano? What were you thinking?
Delores: I was thinkin' more like Vegas, y'know, get some butts in the seats.
Reverend Mother: And what next? Popcorn? Curtain calls? This is not a theater or a casino.
Delores: Yeah, but that's the problem. See, people like going to theaters, and they like going to casinos, but they don't like coming to church. Why? Because it's a drag. But we could change all that, see? We could pack this joint.
Reverend Mother: Through blasphemy? You have corrupted the entire choir!


I noticed that the Reverend Mother's reaction can be so much like others I have seen when it comes to change in the church and even though as Kingdom Ambassadors the is to do more than get butts in the seats that does have something to do with the commissioning of Jesus to the disciples, "Go ye." And Ye does mean Me and You. As that train of thought continued to move along I continued to examine my own reaction to the changes God has interrupted me with over the years and like the Reverend Mother I resisted, scrutinized, and sometimes downright disobeyed and ignored what he wanted to change or do.

We have been called to be Kingdom Ambassadors and that does mean change. Changing our way of life, our philosophies, our actions and reactions, and the way we live in this life. Change does not come easy I don't think it was suppose to but it is suppose to happen to live out that Great Commission. Living among people and giving, helping, and receiving from a world that our Father created and gave to us. As we do this we will begin to a life that we truly could not imagine. The next quote by the Reverend Mother sums up what this life as Kingdom Ambassadors can be.

Reverend Mother: "I hold you responsible for all of this. For introducing a lounge act into my convent. For utterly disrupting our lives and exposing us all to mortal danger.

Thank you." 

One night the Lord spoke to Paul in a vision: "Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent.  For I am with you, and no one is going to attack and harm you, because I have many people in this city."  Acts 18:9-10 (NIV) 

They are all around us all we have to do is listen.

Lost

It still surprises me when these feelings come flooding in and then I get teary eyed then frustrated with myself. So now here I am at home by myself and the thoughts roll on along with some tears maybe and this lost feeling and remember what I have lost.

I was at a party tonight for Randy and Lisa they are getting married July 24 and it was at Jeff and Gail Hall's house and that used to belong to John and Karen Peters and I was remembering the girl scout meetings I was at there, the cookie exchanges, and how Sam had babysat there then I remembered our house on West Dale and how I had worked so hard to keep paying on the place only to have it deteriorate and before I had the chance to remodel gave it back to the mortgage company. Then I remember how I am alone now and don't like it and instead of being alone in an apartment I would be alone in a three bedroom house. But then I feel lost and like I don't belong to anyone or anywhere like I don't even belong on the earth. So I have the music going and Monday I will start my new job. Then the Lord can lead me to a new place to live. Tomorrow I am going over to Diane Sodini to have lunch, swim and watch the air fair.

I do miss my daughter and I am frustrated for them that Brain has not found a job yet. I want to see Mike and Kary get along better and for him to rededicate him self to the God of his youth. Tim to see the realities of the scripture. I want to spend more time with them all. That should come in August.

Maybe someday I will have a house again. Someday I may not feel so lost.

Belonging

Belonging as defined by Merriam-Webster means possession—usually used in plural close or intimate relationship .

What is a sense of belonging? Where does that sense come from? If it is not there can we ever get it? 

I have found this journey interesting even though most of the time I have resisted going in where it wants to take me which has been out of my comfort zone. However, sooner or later I am back on the trail and am finding my way down the road.

It has been so strange to me that no matter what I have did I have always felt like that fifth wheel and yet I know people care about me, for me and with me. I usually have a good time with whoever I am with and embrace the friendships that I have. 

I know I belong to a kingdom whose Father is God. I know I belong to different groups, and I know that I have "a friend that sticks closer than a brother".


Still...that longing to actually "feel" that I belonged was so overwhelming at times that I could not stand it. I am thinking however that if stay on the road to holiness I believe that I will become whole and as I become whole I will feel that belonging feeling.

Days

I don't know has it always been like this? Is right now any different than so many other years? I don't feel I have ever been in a place where life seems so overwhelming, unbearable, hard to cope with, or I don't know what. Is it spiritual, physical, or emotional? One day I seem to do well where I visit folks, get errands done, or sending out a resume or applying for a a job on line, and straightening the apartment. The next day I hit a pot hole and get off track. Lord, help me and please straighten my life out.

Moments

At the beginning of this month, March 7 to be exact at 7:07 pm my daughter birthed a 6# 3oz, 18.5 inch baby girl. The world was great and life was good! I had the opportunity to spend the next several days there helping out with the older sisters, house and dogs. My daughter being a movie buff rented a movie called, "The Soloist" and while we watched the movie I became reminded again of Is 61, "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,"

Even though I am also one of the brokenhearted, and need someone to proclaim freedom to me, and to be released from prison the movie confirmed that I also had this responsibility to others. It confirmed that I should never get so far away from this truth that I walk in an attitude of "entitlement" that when proclaiming these truths I expect others to practice their faith like I do, or listen to the music I listen to, or expect trials and tribulations to go around me or above me or to expect God to do me special favors because even though my soul is anchored in an unshakable kingdom I do not live there full time yet. It is only in living among those who struggle with job loses, illness, home foreclosures, and the many other trials and stresses that can assail us that I can let Jesus show his love for them through me and that in his love there is peace, joy, kindness, goodness, long-suffering, faithfulness, self-control, and gentleness and this is what we all need to see in our daily lives.

It also reminded me of how we all need someone else and how just one person can make a difference even for a moment of time in the life of someone else. I thank God for the people who have taken that moment in my life. Will you do the same?