This word as been circulating in my mind for a while now and has become even more my feeling regarding certain events. The word has taken on feeling for me and it describes where I feel I am at in my life right now.
The betrayal I am experiencing is not from a person but it is from my body and all the things that are occurring in my body physically right now. It is very frustrating for me to have deal with all these little nuisances. A few years ago some people told me that it is very easy to become ill in the first couple of years after a death, however I really didn't seem to experience that other than the strange bout of cellulitis I had in both my legs. In '08 I had my right knee replaced but after that it seem like I would get ill with some little bug a couple times a year. I was able to deal with those things and in '12 it became obvious I needed my left knee replace which was able to happen in '13 but instead of bouncing back from that like I thought I would I continue to have some problems with the tendons. I have found out that I need my gallbladder removed and that has become a source of irritation. The last week or so I have been weepy over most everything.
When I went back for my RN I didn't plan on not working these were suppose to be glory days for Mike and I and then for myself but it has been almost everything but. I have done some neat things like go to conferences, travel to Nashville, Houghton, and St. Louis. But not to Ireland yet or some of my other dream places.
Much of this journey has been a journey of recovery for my emotions, my mind, and maybe for my body because I was so busy taking care of everyone else that I did not always take care of myself. I know stress can take a tremendous toll on the body but I would really like for recovery to be over. So I will wade thought this next bout of things that need to be taken care of and see where I end up.
I feel that my best days are behind me. What is God gonna do with me now? Am I even any good for Him anymore? I can listen to all the encouraging sermons and yet not walk away with encouragement. My feeling is what is gonna go wrong next. I don't feel I have the joy or expectation that a servant of Jesus should have. I think this down feeling is due to physical dysfunctions but it is present a nagging manner.
So I pray; Help. Hold Me Jesus. And wait for direction.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Grief Journey
I have found that this journey for me has meant to grieve things I didn't have as well as what I have loss. Yesterday was my dad's birthday and he would have been 82 but in remembering that was also remembering the loss of not being a father.
My dad was limited due to childhood seizures that left him emotionally and cognitively a child too. He was able to sign his name but could not read and this skill eluded him even though he eventually went back to school to learn. His parents over protected him but he was still limited emotionally. I know he could love and I remember being disciplined for say a naughty word when I "burned" my self with my play iron while ironing a doll dress. Before his death I do know he loved me as best he could.
My mom died in 1995 and I always felt she did not like me and in part that is true. I looked like my dad's side of the family, my paternal grandmother felt my mom was not able to adequately to care for me, and we lived with my paternal grandparents. All these blocks built quite a wall between my mother and me. She also talked of this wall often too which reinforced her dislike of me. I was too tall, my feet too big, I was not a male, I wore my heart on my sleeve, I cried too easily, I didn't have brown hair and eyes, and a list of other things I did not have. All of this left me feeling like I did not belong to this family and I do remember looking for adoption papers when I was about 8 or 9. The year she died I was about to graduate from nursing school and my husband told me how excited she was and how she was planning for my graduation. She love me the best she could.
I have felt envious of people who have been friends since their school days or college days or early parenting days. I feel I have one person that has been a forever best friend. But the Father has blessed me with many long time friends who have stood in prayer with me and for me and who have been there is the stormy times of my life and encouraged me, loved me and rejoiced with me.
All this early initial, rejection has left feeling like an outsider, never really accepted by anyone. It is true I am alone right now in my life right now because I am a widow. But in a couple hours I will be joining church people for Bible study. I have friends to call and to invite over. I belong to a body of believers called the church.
I belong to a Father who created me and knit me together in my mother's womb and instilled the gifts in me that he wanted me to have. He created me not my parents and I am not too tall or have the wrong color hair and eyes and I don't cry too much or not enough. I am esteemed by my Father. Just as I am and what needs to be changed He gives me the ability to do so by the Holy Spirit.
Satan lies. The lies come to thought and when I dwell on that thought it becomes distorted and I see pictures of his lies and distortions.
Thanks you, Father for lifting me up out of the miry clay of lies.
My dad was limited due to childhood seizures that left him emotionally and cognitively a child too. He was able to sign his name but could not read and this skill eluded him even though he eventually went back to school to learn. His parents over protected him but he was still limited emotionally. I know he could love and I remember being disciplined for say a naughty word when I "burned" my self with my play iron while ironing a doll dress. Before his death I do know he loved me as best he could.
My mom died in 1995 and I always felt she did not like me and in part that is true. I looked like my dad's side of the family, my paternal grandmother felt my mom was not able to adequately to care for me, and we lived with my paternal grandparents. All these blocks built quite a wall between my mother and me. She also talked of this wall often too which reinforced her dislike of me. I was too tall, my feet too big, I was not a male, I wore my heart on my sleeve, I cried too easily, I didn't have brown hair and eyes, and a list of other things I did not have. All of this left me feeling like I did not belong to this family and I do remember looking for adoption papers when I was about 8 or 9. The year she died I was about to graduate from nursing school and my husband told me how excited she was and how she was planning for my graduation. She love me the best she could.
I have felt envious of people who have been friends since their school days or college days or early parenting days. I feel I have one person that has been a forever best friend. But the Father has blessed me with many long time friends who have stood in prayer with me and for me and who have been there is the stormy times of my life and encouraged me, loved me and rejoiced with me.
All this early initial, rejection has left feeling like an outsider, never really accepted by anyone. It is true I am alone right now in my life right now because I am a widow. But in a couple hours I will be joining church people for Bible study. I have friends to call and to invite over. I belong to a body of believers called the church.
I belong to a Father who created me and knit me together in my mother's womb and instilled the gifts in me that he wanted me to have. He created me not my parents and I am not too tall or have the wrong color hair and eyes and I don't cry too much or not enough. I am esteemed by my Father. Just as I am and what needs to be changed He gives me the ability to do so by the Holy Spirit.
Satan lies. The lies come to thought and when I dwell on that thought it becomes distorted and I see pictures of his lies and distortions.
Thanks you, Father for lifting me up out of the miry clay of lies.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Unquenchable: Grow a Wildfire Faith that Will Endure Anything by Carol Kent
Recently I finished a book titled, "Unquenchable: Grow a Wildfire Faith that Will Endure Anything",
by Carol Kent. I was interested in the book because I had come to
realize that my faith was just there, I knew I was saved and would go to
heaven, I learned God was providing all my needs but I tired and lacked
joy. It seemed like it had been one trial after another since 2000 with
more strenuous trials happening in the last 7 1/2 years since losing my
husband and becoming a widow. The most disheartening thing about the
fact that my faith was just there was that by fall of 2013 I lacked the
desire to do anything to change that fact.
As I read the book and Carol's own story, and the stories of others in the book I realized that there were some red embers still burning but I wasn't in the mood to fan the flame. I could identify with just about every story in the book. I had been there and I had been through what these women had been through: death of parents and in-laws, death of my husband, problems with children and the incarceration of a child, job losses, medical and mental problems with family, my own children, and husband, family disputes, church disputes, friend break-ups, and losing my own income for six months. But they came back, they were able to turn their faith around and it was at that point I realized that 1.) my own faith was probably not where God wanted it and 2.) my faith could be set a blaze again.
Continuing to read through the chapters I began to realize that the very questions Carol and others were asking I had asked too. The ideas Carol gave to blow on the embers to ignite them again, like a blessings list, journaling, forgiving, and thanking God for daily things in my life had became less of a discipline and more of a maybe I'll dot that today. I realized I was not alone in the trials that had come into my life or the wavering of my faith and I had not been picked out of the group just to be picked on. There was work happening in my life, I was becoming whole, pure, stronger and weaker, unlike so many people God, my Father had not left me on my own but gave me a guiding compass to the place we call Heaven and until then I will occupy till He calls me home or comes back for me.
Lent started March 5, and it will be during this time that I pick up those disciplines again and put them back in to my life. I will begin to intentionally thank God for the day He has given me and the blessings that came my way. As God gives me each new task I will try to remember that, He is my helper and His grace is sufficient. I can feel the embers growing hotter as I pray.
As I read the book and Carol's own story, and the stories of others in the book I realized that there were some red embers still burning but I wasn't in the mood to fan the flame. I could identify with just about every story in the book. I had been there and I had been through what these women had been through: death of parents and in-laws, death of my husband, problems with children and the incarceration of a child, job losses, medical and mental problems with family, my own children, and husband, family disputes, church disputes, friend break-ups, and losing my own income for six months. But they came back, they were able to turn their faith around and it was at that point I realized that 1.) my own faith was probably not where God wanted it and 2.) my faith could be set a blaze again.
Continuing to read through the chapters I began to realize that the very questions Carol and others were asking I had asked too. The ideas Carol gave to blow on the embers to ignite them again, like a blessings list, journaling, forgiving, and thanking God for daily things in my life had became less of a discipline and more of a maybe I'll dot that today. I realized I was not alone in the trials that had come into my life or the wavering of my faith and I had not been picked out of the group just to be picked on. There was work happening in my life, I was becoming whole, pure, stronger and weaker, unlike so many people God, my Father had not left me on my own but gave me a guiding compass to the place we call Heaven and until then I will occupy till He calls me home or comes back for me.
Lent started March 5, and it will be during this time that I pick up those disciplines again and put them back in to my life. I will begin to intentionally thank God for the day He has given me and the blessings that came my way. As God gives me each new task I will try to remember that, He is my helper and His grace is sufficient. I can feel the embers growing hotter as I pray.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Page Two
Well, here it is another February come and going, thankfully. This a month with anniversaries I would sometimes like to forget. The two best days of Feb are the first which is Sam's birthday and now the 25th which is Thomas' birthday. There are four days which family members left earth for their heavenly reward.
The 25th is also the day that Mike, my husband died. The day that changed my world forever and this year I am having a rough time. The tears are close and I am not sure what I will do tomorrow.
Feb 26-
The day is over and I slept till noon and watched some tv, journaled and went to bed. Also called and sang Happy Birthday to Thomas. Still feeling wispy and wondering what it would be like if he were still here but really he was too sick for that.
The 25th is also the day that Mike, my husband died. The day that changed my world forever and this year I am having a rough time. The tears are close and I am not sure what I will do tomorrow.
Feb 26-
The day is over and I slept till noon and watched some tv, journaled and went to bed. Also called and sang Happy Birthday to Thomas. Still feeling wispy and wondering what it would be like if he were still here but really he was too sick for that.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Prime of Life
Loved this book. The characters were vividly described and woven into
the plot of this book expertly. It was suspenseful to keep me
interested. Plot continued to thicken as the story went on and there was
a conclusion but also left some to the imagination. Well written for a
first time book.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Pages
I am a widow. There I have said it and I have been a widow for 7 years. It has taken me a long time to use the "w" word after all I was only 47 when I entered that club. It has been a journey that I never imagined. Probably a good thing one can not imagine what that journey is like and the journey is different for every widow.
My journey started out as one in shock which I believe I was in throughout the entire first year. I cried a lot and most certainly every time I was in church. The question I was asked during these times was, "Are you on something?" I finally got to the point I wanted to punch the next person that asked me that. But maybe I should have taken that as a cue that I was in a very emotional state at that time and maybe should have sought medical care. However, I was without insurance and knew I was grieving and figured I would "get over it". Not realizing I was a very broken person and may have needed medical help I marched through everyday the best I could. I was job hunting, going to school, and trying to keep a roof over my head. I really went through each day as kind of a blur and just glad when the day was over. God was with me regardless of the fact that I was mad at Him and I have figured out that He was holding on to me because He loved me. I just could not understand, why now? We had decided that I should finish up school for my RN and Mike was working at a local radio station a few hours a week. The kids were doing good Mike was taking our son to and from work some days. Another was married and the third in college. Everything seemed ok,settled and a little comfortable.
Then came that shocking February, Saturday morning and my world was forever changed. The next thing I knew I was calling EMS, the police arrived, the corner, and finally the funeral home. My pastor's wife was called and she called other church members, I started calling the kids, then my siblings and as word spread friends and family starting arriving to help, comfort, and guide me through the rest of the day. Day one done. Next came planning the funeral and to our surprise the announcer for the local hockey team announced His condolences which made the local paper before anything else did. More messages and cards poured in and God gave me a scripture for each day of hope and comfort. The rest of the year was very much a blur and I remained in shock. I did not want to get out of bed, look for a job, eat, or much of anything else but I did want to die.
The next shock wave came in August when the Pastor died of a heart attack while on vacation and at this point I felt truly defeated. Lost. A drift in a life I no longer wanted to participate in and yet I kept breathing.
My journey started out as one in shock which I believe I was in throughout the entire first year. I cried a lot and most certainly every time I was in church. The question I was asked during these times was, "Are you on something?" I finally got to the point I wanted to punch the next person that asked me that. But maybe I should have taken that as a cue that I was in a very emotional state at that time and maybe should have sought medical care. However, I was without insurance and knew I was grieving and figured I would "get over it". Not realizing I was a very broken person and may have needed medical help I marched through everyday the best I could. I was job hunting, going to school, and trying to keep a roof over my head. I really went through each day as kind of a blur and just glad when the day was over. God was with me regardless of the fact that I was mad at Him and I have figured out that He was holding on to me because He loved me. I just could not understand, why now? We had decided that I should finish up school for my RN and Mike was working at a local radio station a few hours a week. The kids were doing good Mike was taking our son to and from work some days. Another was married and the third in college. Everything seemed ok,settled and a little comfortable.
Then came that shocking February, Saturday morning and my world was forever changed. The next thing I knew I was calling EMS, the police arrived, the corner, and finally the funeral home. My pastor's wife was called and she called other church members, I started calling the kids, then my siblings and as word spread friends and family starting arriving to help, comfort, and guide me through the rest of the day. Day one done. Next came planning the funeral and to our surprise the announcer for the local hockey team announced His condolences which made the local paper before anything else did. More messages and cards poured in and God gave me a scripture for each day of hope and comfort. The rest of the year was very much a blur and I remained in shock. I did not want to get out of bed, look for a job, eat, or much of anything else but I did want to die.
The next shock wave came in August when the Pastor died of a heart attack while on vacation and at this point I felt truly defeated. Lost. A drift in a life I no longer wanted to participate in and yet I kept breathing.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Books
Found a new author to get my mystery fix from.
Eyes Wide Open by Ted Dekker
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Eyes Wide Open
This is the first Ted Dekker book I have read. I have been a fan of mysteries since the Happy Hollister’s series of books when I was younger and have continued to search for books in that genre. I do like an edge of your seat, keep you guessing mystery and I found this in “Eyes Wide Open”. I certainly was not expecting the ending but found it intriguing and gave me things to reflect on.
It has been a plot that has stuck with me too and I also like that about books wondering how open my own eyes are?
View all my reviews
Eyes Wide Open by Ted DekkerMy rating: 4 of 5 stars
Eyes Wide Open
This is the first Ted Dekker book I have read. I have been a fan of mysteries since the Happy Hollister’s series of books when I was younger and have continued to search for books in that genre. I do like an edge of your seat, keep you guessing mystery and I found this in “Eyes Wide Open”. I certainly was not expecting the ending but found it intriguing and gave me things to reflect on.
It has been a plot that has stuck with me too and I also like that about books wondering how open my own eyes are?
View all my reviews
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