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I am a widow. There I have said it and I have been a widow for 7 years. It has taken me a long time to use the "w" word after all I was only 47 when I entered that club. It has been a journey that I never imagined. Probably a good thing one can not imagine what that journey is like and the journey is different for every widow.

My journey started out as one in shock which I believe I was in throughout the entire first year. I cried a lot and most certainly every time I was in church. The question I was asked during these times was, "Are you on something?" I finally got to the point I wanted to punch the next person that asked me that. But maybe I should have taken that as a cue that I was in a very emotional state at that time and maybe should have sought medical care. However, I was without insurance and knew I was grieving and figured I would "get over it". Not realizing I was a very broken person and may have needed medical help I marched through everyday the best I could. I was job hunting, going to school, and trying to keep a roof over my head. I really went through each day as kind of a blur and just glad when the day was over. God was with me regardless of the fact that I was mad at Him and I have figured out that He was holding on to me because He loved me. I just could not understand, why now? We had decided that I should finish up school for my RN and Mike was working at a local radio station a few hours a week. The kids were doing good Mike was taking our son to and from work some days. Another was married and the third in college. Everything seemed ok,settled and a little comfortable.

Then came that shocking February, Saturday morning and my world was forever changed. The next thing I knew I was calling EMS, the police arrived, the corner, and finally the funeral home. My pastor's wife was called and she called other church members, I started calling the kids, then my siblings and as word spread friends and family starting arriving to help, comfort, and guide me through the rest of the day. Day one done. Next came planning the funeral and to our surprise the announcer for the local hockey team announced His condolences which made the local paper before anything else did. More messages and cards poured in and God gave me a scripture for each day of hope and comfort. The rest of the year was very much a blur and I remained in shock. I did not want to get out of bed, look for a job, eat, or much of anything else but I did want to die.

The next shock wave came in August when the Pastor died of a heart attack while on vacation and at this point I felt truly defeated. Lost. A drift in a life I no longer wanted to participate in and yet I kept breathing.

Books

Found a new author to get my mystery fix from.
Eyes Wide Open by Ted Dekker

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Eyes Wide Open

This is the first Ted Dekker book I have read. I have been a fan of mysteries since the Happy Hollister’s series of books when I was younger and have continued to search for books in that genre. I do like an edge of your seat, keep you guessing mystery and I found this in “Eyes Wide Open”. I certainly was not expecting the ending but found it intriguing and gave me things to reflect on.

It has been a plot that has stuck with me too and I also like that about books wondering how open my own eyes are?




View all my reviews

A Note of Thanks and the Year in Review

I am making this note my year in review since I have been reflecting during this 7^th year since my world was turned upside down when Mike finishing his race in 2006. I am able to praise and thank God for many things, still.

My journey has had many ups, downs, twists, turns, hills, valleys, roadblocks and detours but as I look back I know God has been with me all the way. In reflection I know that in the brokenness God was healing me from life’s trauma and some of the toxicity I learned growing up. In the middle of this God provided people who would take me to church with them and I learned how Jesus loved me. This foundation is what would carry me through all my years and even now. There were some very valuable things I learned in my home growing up there were nurturing, how to care for others, how to work, and the value of education. But it also gave me a desire to change.

It was in this brokenness over many years but certainly in the last 7 I learned how God, “The Potter” reclaims His clay. The clay is soaked in His love, stirred with His hand, kneaded, wedged and kneaded some more to make a stronger vessel. On the wheel the clays goes to be shaped by his loving hands into a vessel of honor and He works with the clay until it submits to His will. I am thankful for His rebuilding of my life to live in freedom of His love. I am thankful for His restoration of relationships, of my commitment to Him and in relationships. I am thankful that He has renewed His vision in me and renewed in me His salvation from the empty life I could have lived.

God has blessed me with 3 wonderful children and the good relationships we have. I am thankful how God is working in their lives as they work out their life. I have 8, to change to 9 in July. Grandchildren I adore and they are healthy, bright and loving and they are doing well in school. All of them are learning of God’s saving grace. I have a fine family.

I am thankful for my extended family and being able to keep in touch via face book or the internet. I am rich in friends and can cheer for them as their lives grow and change, pray for them, or give a word of encouragement.

I am thankful I can choose when, where, with whom, and how to worship. I am with a family of God that loves, prays, and reaches out to each other.

I am thankful God worked out my finances so that I can now live in peace and less anxiety. I am thankful for food, clothes, and a good place to sleep. I am thankful that I did not have to move. I am thankful there are bus stops close by and for people who are willing to give me rides.

I am thankful for my community that is interested in changing and working with each other and that is changing itself from the inside out and helping other neighbors along its way. I am thankful for so many things that a list, a note or even a book may not be large enough to hold them.

    I am so blessed. May each of you experience the same in the year to come. Trina

A Remnant

5 So too, at the present time there is a remnant chosen by grace. Romans 11:5 (NIV) 29 for God's gifts and his call are irrevocable. Romans 11:29 (NIV)
3 Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Psalm 100:3 (NIV)
As we begin a new year these scriptures have been coming to my spirit. Regardless of what we read, see or hear God has a people, they are HIS people and He has equipped them with gifts and His call and He does not recant or take the gifts or call back or take it away. Regardless of what is happening to you right now or what you do or do not have you are still His beloved child with the gifts He has given you.

Now we have a choice are you going to accept the gifts He has given you are you going to follow His call? Are you going to be in His pasture? Just because you are part of a body of faith or denomination does not mean you are feeding in His pasture. Now is a good time to make that change if you need to. Be assured God has a church that will triumph.

Happy New Year to one and all.

Journies

A wonderful holiday season is upon me! Christmas lunch at church, family dinners and sharing time with the kids and grand kids. But I have to admit that I have missing Mike for some reason it has been quite a bit closer this year. I wonder about how he would react with the grand kids and what he would think of Jay, Ace, Abi and Thomas Jack. There were only four when he passed and Ambree was the first biological and he LOVED video taping her and Gwen. When Laben and Noah were around he had the camera out then too. I should have a video of Noah's birthday party somewhere. The recent passing of a couple of people from church have certainly stirred those memories even more so.

Yet I have much to look forward to.

Aching

I feel so lonely this time of year with all the specials on tv of couples falling in love, dawning realities, and the wisp of romance. I look around and just would like someone to share that with to touch, watch football with, maybe even cook for.

I think about the sermon today on joy how I cannot manufacture it or create it but I do know it is there and I experience it when I am with my grandchildren, watching my nephew in the Singing Christmas Tree, being with friends shopping or worshiping with my family at church.

I wonder what might it be like to be in love again and it is easy for me to romanticize it but know that it can be all that.

I am excited to celebrate this season another time to be together with friends and family and I am excited to see what God does have in store for me another day.

A Note of Thanks

I have so enjoyed reading the things that you have posted that you are thankful for during this month of November. Even though I have not done a daily posting I thought I would put together this note because as I am reflecting during this 7^th year I am able to praise and thank God for many things.

My journey has had many ups, downs, twists, turns, hills, valleys, roadblocks and detours but as I look back I know God has been with me all the way. In reflection I know that in the brokenness God was healing me from life’s trauma and some of the toxicity I learned growing up. In the middle of this God provided people who would take me to church with them and I learned how Jesus loved me. This foundation is what would carry me through all my years and even now. There were some very valuable things I learned in my home growing up there were nurturing, how to care for others, how to work, and the value of education. But it also gave me a desire to change.

It was in this brokenness over many years but certainly in the last 7 I learned how God, “The Potter” reclaims the clay. The clay is soaked in His love, stirred with His hand, kneaded, wedged and kneaded some more to make a stronger vessel. On the wheel the clays goes to be shaped by his loving hands into a vessel of honor and He works with the clay until it submits to His will. I am thankful for His rebuilding of my life to live in freedom of His love. I am thankful for His restoration of relationships, of my commitment to Him and in relationships. I am thankful that He has renewed His vision in me and renewed in me His salvation from the empty life I could have lived.

God has blessed me with 3 wonderful children and the good relationships we have. I am thankful how God is working in their lives as they work out their life. I have 8 grandchildren I adore and they are healthy, bright and loving and they are doing well in school. I have a fine family.

I am thankful for my extended family and being able to keep in touch via face book or the internet. I am rich in friends and can cheer for them as their lives grow and change, pray for them, or give a word of encouragement.

I am thankful I can choose when, where, with whom, and how to worship. I am with a family of God that loves, prays, and reaches out to each other.

I am thankful God worked out my finances so that I can now live in peace and less anxiety. I am thankful for food, clothes, and a good place to sleep. I am thankful that I did not have to move. I am thankful there are bus stops close by and for people who are willing to give me rides.

I am thankful for my community that is interested in changing and working with each other and that is changing itself from the inside out and helping other neighbors along its way. I am thankful for so many things that a list, a note or even a book may not be large enough to hold them.