I Can't Even

I have been sitting here this evening listening to different songs and have gotten stuck on the song by Joyce and Colbert Croft, "I Can't Even Walk Without You Holding My Hand." "When God Has Another Plan", is another song I have been struck by tonight. Even though I am not sure of the theology of God having another plan it has a lot to say in it especially the chorus that says,

 "When God has another plan walk on and just say yes, when God has another plans be assured he knows best, when all your dreams are shattered walk rest in his sufficient grace we don't have to understand."

These songs have just brought home to me one more time that it is in submitting to God's will and trusting him is the only way I can get anywhere. Anything I try to do in my own strength is built on shifting sand and will not stand the test of time or the storm that is to come.

I do want to know the why's but my knowing won't change the outcome or get the task done any better or faster. His grace is sufficient and like God said to Job,

¹ And now, finally, GOD answered Job from the eye of a violent storm. He said:
² "Why do you confuse the issue? Why do you talk without knowing what you're talking about?
³ Pull yourself together, Job! Up on your feet! Stand tall! I have some questions for you, and I want some straight answers.
⁴ Where were you when I created the earth? Tell me, since you know so much!
Job 38:1-4a (MSG)

Halfway Plus

I noticed from my last posting it was January. Again since then many things have happened and life has continued to come each 24 hours. 

I am no longer at the highrise but I like the name so it will continue to be my blog title. Two things happened one, I was written up for not showing an ID 8 times and  I wrote a letter to the newspaper regarding life at the highrise and management pursued evicting me. The other thing is I needed to move 6 months prior to being evicted and didn't. I moved in with my aunt in March.


Mike has been gone 6 years now. 


I took some classes for a Bachelors, and right now I am taking a break. I started yoga. I am finding cooks for Twice Fed again. I went back to choir hopefully the anxiety attacks will quell.
Abi turned 1 in March and Acelynn turned 1 in August. Mike and Kary celebrated 5 years in May and Brian and Sam celebrated 8 years in July. 

Sam and the girls came up for Zac's open house and Brian came with them for Ace's party. I took Jaylee down with me to Sam and Brian's over Memorial holiday and Laben over Labor day holiday.


Summer cell has come and went, and so has Fremont Baby Food Festival, and Irish fest is coming up.


I have had 3 interviews and hoping for the clinical analyst at NOCH.  I have 8 weeks of unemployment left.


The journey of the last 6 years has been a series of valley's, twists and turns with moments of joy splashed in. My faith crashed when Mike died. The anger overtook me and I became much like a two year old having a tantrum. God held on to me and gently and sometimes not so gently guided me through it all. 


This journey has been a molding of a clay vessel. The old vessel was cracked, chipped, weak, and just too broken to be molded anymore. So God reclaimed the clay. (google it) Now a new vessel is being molded. This process has included getting rid of doctrine and belief's that were not really Biblically sound but random scriptures that had been pulled out of context and used as doctrine. Like when you plant money as a seed you will reap 100 fold or Jesus' healed them all miraculously. I believed there was a chance that when I died God would say I am sorry I can't let you in because you did this back then. True I had a very hard time seeing anything good about me and because of that I could not believe God would give me any gifts or want me around in heaven but I was to used then cancel the deal at the last minute. 


All things of scripture I was looking at through eyes of a child who grew up not being liked by the adults raising her, perceptions of several church doctrines and just accepting what I was told was truth just to be accepted by someone yet never feeling accepted by anyone. Don't get me wrong I know in there own way some of the adults loved me but they didn't know how to show that love because of their own stunted growth. Most people do this type of sorting out in their twenties and then there are the stragglers who don't do it until 50.   So God molded new eyes for me to look through and showed me grace.


As a new vessel I am learning that this is a Kingdom of God mission. That message has become reality after twenty years of hearing and teaching it. Our time on the earth is not just waiting for Jesus to come back (i knew that, we are to occupy until he comes) but now I know what I am to do to occupy. I am finally starting to live Isaiah 61 not realizing this was something that was to be done by me and not someone else. I did not want to deal with, loving the unlovable close up, or being involved on the ground level. I could teach someone else the principals and they could do the dirty work.  The Potter had other ideas for a while this pot could catch some tears.

I have learned there is a difference between Kingdom thinking and Christian thinking. They don't always agree or line up in the main streams of theological thought. Kingdom thinking is not suppose to Christian thinking should line up with Kingdom thinking but the majority don't. So there is this remnant that The Potter keeps shaping and molding.


I learned a lot about grace and how much I need it and how much I don't give it and how much I should and could give it and I am learning how much it has been given to me. I have learned God loves me, He knows my name, and He will run after me and take care of me. I have relearned the one day at a time concept and letting today's trouble be enough and what bread and water I need in that day The Potter gives. Trusting him is one day at a time too and some days I fail. But getting back up is the key. 


I am learning when all is said and done it is how I finish even with the goofs, failures, successes, and victories over the years. 


I am still on The Potter's wheel he has worked the mars out of the pot, I have treasure in this jar of clay and he has reclaimed me to work me into a vessel of honor. And as of today ALL is not said nor done.

His Story

 His birth was shrouded around scandal his mother pregnant before being with her husband. He was going to walk away quietly but was given a dream telling him it would be ok for him to marry her. He was born in a stable of all places where the air was pungent with the smell of manure and the animals were probably munching and smacking on left over grain and hay from their evening meal oblivious to the fact that the God of the universe had just been laid in one of their mangers. The only visitors that night were not grandparents and aunts and uncles but shepherds and the animals housed in the stable.

As a toddler a death warrant was put on his life by a insecure, jealous King ignorant of his own spirituality. He became aliens in the land of Egypt a foreign country to him and when he did return home it was to a small town covering about 60 acres and a population of approximately 500. An obscure village of farmers and artisans on the crossroads of the highway between Egypt and Mesopotamia called Nazareth, a town in Galilee. It was later asked if anything good can come from this town. He did. 

At the age of 33 he was surrounded himself with fisherman, tax collectors, and what the religious leaders called “sinners”. Some were impulsive, hot headed, a thief, a betrayer, and a doubter. He was misunderstood, his own town folk that wanted to kill him and his own people did not accept him. The reminder of the scandal of his birth was always present as he was referred to as, “Mary’s son.”  We all have a story.

Do I believe I can be better?
What is my dream?
Have I given up on my body?
Have I given up on relationships?
Let God remind me whose I am so I can be who I am.
Let go of the road blocks.

This was inspired by a group of sermons I have heard lately and what I have been struggling with in my own life right now. I have to admit there is a part of me that just wants to give it up and sit here and waste away. Not very glorifying to the Father that created me in His image or to the life I have led up to this point. So I am trying to take up the challenge given to me at CCDA to dream again and let my Father show me the good things he has for me.

History

As I was in Meijers last week I was browsing the book section when I came across this title, “This Isn’t the Life I Signed Up For…But I’m Finding Hope and Healing” and needless to say I picked up the book and began reading the chapter titles. Surprisingly I could relate to all the chapter titles. The author is Donna Partow and she is an author and motivational speaker.

I Didn’t Sign up for a painful childhood is one of her chapter titles and this is very true for me also but it did happen and I have worked through it with a counselor. It was also as a result of the painful childhood that I looked for guidance from wise counsel to raise my children.

The other titles that appeared are also things I did not sign up for like; the disappointing relationships or the disappointments that happen in relationships when we let each other down or don’t live up to the expectations we have of each other. Or making foolish choices and that could be a book all in its self maybe even more books that the world could hold?  Then there is the disappointment with God so to speak for me it is disappoint in all that I have learned about God that is not necessarily so but a denomination or another’s interpretation of what they think God and scripture is.

Any way I also didn’t sign up for getting a job and losing it, thinking I would be occupationally secure with the RN license, or watching my kids struggle in their jobs and relationships and raising kids. After all I had prepared for an “easier” life I thought by encouraging college, waiting for marriage, kids, etc.  I didn’t sign up for the loneliness of being a widow after all it was till death do we part but I had not comprehended it would be when he was 56 and I was 47. Now in the empty nest years when we could be having fun I am alone and not being able to talk to him about all these things I am bearing the burden alone. I don’t have a problem being alone but when it comes to the lack of verbal and social interaction that’s when it can become overwhelming and on Sunday afternoon’s it seems to be at its worst. Not that we really did anything outstanding on those afternoons and every other Sunday for the last 13 years I was usually working. Pardon me I am rambling now.

I didn’t sign up for my body to betray me with aches, pains, and worn out joints. Or for stress to take its toll not only on the physical but the mental aspects of my life I have found it very hard to accept the fact that I am not invincible.  I signed up for happiness, great health, love, perfect little family, and to make a difference as the chapter titles conclude. Whether or not I have these things is really a matter of perspective.  I don’t have them if I look at with my or societal definitions. But as I look at that list and think and look at through the Birth of Christ lens well then I do have these things.   3 But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.  4 Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds-- his name is the LORD-- and rejoice before him.  Psalm 68:3-4 (NIV) I know that happy can come and go but rejoicing before my God does make me happy. Thinking of things I am grateful for makes me happy. The Message Bible says, 15 A miserable heart means a miserable life; a cheerful heart fills the day with song. Proverbs 15:15 (MSG), or “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.”
Yeah I have some aches and pains but my health is better than some and God is restoring my soul along the way in regards to the emotional-mental health part of my life. He is still working on me and maybe even a healthier me!

My family is there for me and my kids’s well they are the blessings of my life and have given me grandkids! But there are things I do wish they would learn quickly and skip that particular heartache. The boys could remember what they were taught and start practicing without stressing their mom out. But then would I learn to let go and let God? Would they learn about faith and God's mercy and grace?

Then there is this bigger family God has given me the family of God and it is not just here in Muskegon. I connect with others across this land and when I am with them there has not been too many times I have not felt that I am not with family. God has blessed with so much to be accepted and loved by so many.  This year is coming to a close and I am here writing about history and as I look ahead I do want to remember that I accepted the path of an ordinary baby that left an extraordinary course for me to follow and He has given me the help I need to do finish the course.

How do I finish this off? I am not really sure which I guess is right where it needs to be because I am not finished yet. My current theme song is, "The Potter Knows The Clay" by The Perry's and a line from that is, "It's gonna be okay." Good place to stop for this year.
One day at a time and holding to His unchanging hand! Have a very Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with hope.

Reality Check

1 For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven—God-made, not handmade
2 —and we'll never have to relocate our "tents" again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move—and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what's coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we're tired of it! We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! 2 Corinthians 5:1-2 (MSG)

This week I have had a big time reality check. I knew I had arthritis in my right knee because I had it replaced. At the time my left knee was bothered some. It will be 3 years in January that my right knee was done.

At times in the past my back would hurt and if I rearranged furniture or did a lot of pushing and pulling my back would cramp and ache. Well this week I had to wait a couple of days to get an anti-inflammatory filled that I had been taking for back pain since some other meds have been changed. Believing strongly that I could go 2 days without this med I picked it up on Wednesday.

I have a new flash. I am no longer invincible. The tent is wearing out a lot faster than everything else and it has started with the joints. So as I was shuffling across the street Wednesday it was more that I could hardly  move vs being care of the ice. This whole thing just totally snuck up on me and took me totally by surprise. How dare my body betray me like that! I should not feel this way till 80. So I now know to keep a level in my system and to watch and move more with intention. It is also making me examine how to best continue my career in nursing. So many things to consider.

Another Solider

It was not snowing this afternoon as it had been this morning when I walked to McLaughlin School to be present as the kids are getting out of school in the afternoon after two more attempted assaults against the children. Another neighbor was up there so I stood with him and he and I greeted the kids as they came out and he would joke and kid with them I would follow his lead and joke with the kids.

I had skipped Ladies Fellowship today because I had been napping and when I woke up about one I didn't feel like waking up so I just slept some more and then walked up to the school. It was a nice walk, cold, brisk, but little to know wind and nice. But as I came back by the church there was the ambulance and fire truck and knowing the group there I started going through the list of those who had not been feeling well lately but as I came up to the door my friend was coming to her car and told me who it was.She needed to take her mother-in-law home so I told her to pull around front and I would bring her out to the car so one the other of the ladies and I did that.

I started reading a book by Gordon McDonald entitled, "Who Stole My Church?"  and the conversations in the book I could hear come from many in the church I attend and it is really striking a chord in me.

I stopped over to our Pastor's house on my way home to check on him and as we talked about the group of ladies there he mentioned how resilient they were and that struck a chord in me and he is so right. The senior group of people at our church are very resilient and how they bounced back from so many of the valleys and twists and turns of life.

I wonder how did they become that way? How do we bounce back? I also wonder what happened to my resiliency? Did I every really have any or was it just me bluffing? Is it possible to get resiliency back? What plans does God have for me and why am I in a place where the saints are so fragile?

Labor Day

I pray Dear God tell me what is wrong with me. The depression won't go away. I have been crying since last week off and on and called my job counselor and my counselor but everything is still up in the air. The feelings run on forever and just won't stop. One minuet I am frustrated because I feel so rotten and then scold myself because I have much to be thankful for. Then I feel lonely and then I talk to one of my kids on line or someone on face book or go see Pam but I feel lonely. Its like it is something that never goes away no matter how many people are around.

I spent the weekend with Sam's family in IN and I got some great pics of the kids. Good drive there and back. Mike's family is settled temporarily, and Tim starts a job in Lansing at IBM this week. But I am bummed.

I am feeling used up like I have been doing so much for everybody for so long that there is no more of me left. I keep attracting situations that require more of my emotion or some one trying to get money from me to bail them out or those that need a babysitter. I get to Wed at work and the next two days are all down hill. I am tired and can't wake up, I tearful and by Friday every step I take is labored. Maybe I am paying penance for not being more understanding of Mike. I don't know but it is crap and I need to find a way out of this.

I think God's grace is sufficient but don't know how to access the sufficiency. I know God will fight for me but don't know if he is or if I am letting him. I sure do not feel he is answering me when I ask to show me the problem or how to get out of this. I have tried medication and the effects are temporary until the hormones swing then nothing seems to work. Its Paul stating I do the things I don't want to and don't do the things I want to. Except there seems no solution for my problem at least with Paul's there is now no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus.

Help.