Another Day

I am depressed. My head aches and my back is cramping continuously. The past two days at work have been stressed which has contributed to my head and cramps. Of course the menstruation that is happening doesn't help either which is causing the cramps. I don't feel content or pleased with my life right now at all. I feel that the road is completely up hill. Bills I can barely pay and people wanting more money than I have. All for what to live another day.

Kingdom Works

It is so interesting to me how the Lord speaks to me these days and how I can see Kingdom truths that can come from some of the most unusual places like Sister Act, the movie. Like when Delores is talking with theabout the new rendition of Hail Holy Queen.
Reverend Mother:   Girl groups? Boogie woogie on the piano? What were you thinking?
Delores: I was thinkin' more like Vegas, y'know, get some butts in the seats.
Reverend Mother: And what next? Popcorn? Curtain calls? This is not a theater or a casino.
Delores: Yeah, but that's the problem. See, people like going to theaters, and they like going to casinos, but they don't like coming to church. Why? Because it's a drag. But we could change all that, see? We could pack this joint.
Reverend Mother: Through blasphemy? You have corrupted the entire choir!


I noticed that the Reverend Mother's reaction can be so much like others I have seen when it comes to change in the church and even though as Kingdom Ambassadors the is to do more than get butts in the seats that does have something to do with the commissioning of Jesus to the disciples, "Go ye." And Ye does mean Me and You. As that train of thought continued to move along I continued to examine my own reaction to the changes God has interrupted me with over the years and like the Reverend Mother I resisted, scrutinized, and sometimes downright disobeyed and ignored what he wanted to change or do.

We have been called to be Kingdom Ambassadors and that does mean change. Changing our way of life, our philosophies, our actions and reactions, and the way we live in this life. Change does not come easy I don't think it was suppose to but it is suppose to happen to live out that Great Commission. Living among people and giving, helping, and receiving from a world that our Father created and gave to us. As we do this we will begin to a life that we truly could not imagine. The next quote by the Reverend Mother sums up what this life as Kingdom Ambassadors can be.

Reverend Mother: "I hold you responsible for all of this. For introducing a lounge act into my convent. For utterly disrupting our lives and exposing us all to mortal danger.

Thank you." 

One night the Lord spoke to Paul in a vision: "Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent.  For I am with you, and no one is going to attack and harm you, because I have many people in this city."  Acts 18:9-10 (NIV) 

They are all around us all we have to do is listen.

Lost

It still surprises me when these feelings come flooding in and then I get teary eyed then frustrated with myself. So now here I am at home by myself and the thoughts roll on along with some tears maybe and this lost feeling and remember what I have lost.

I was at a party tonight for Randy and Lisa they are getting married July 24 and it was at Jeff and Gail Hall's house and that used to belong to John and Karen Peters and I was remembering the girl scout meetings I was at there, the cookie exchanges, and how Sam had babysat there then I remembered our house on West Dale and how I had worked so hard to keep paying on the place only to have it deteriorate and before I had the chance to remodel gave it back to the mortgage company. Then I remember how I am alone now and don't like it and instead of being alone in an apartment I would be alone in a three bedroom house. But then I feel lost and like I don't belong to anyone or anywhere like I don't even belong on the earth. So I have the music going and Monday I will start my new job. Then the Lord can lead me to a new place to live. Tomorrow I am going over to Diane Sodini to have lunch, swim and watch the air fair.

I do miss my daughter and I am frustrated for them that Brain has not found a job yet. I want to see Mike and Kary get along better and for him to rededicate him self to the God of his youth. Tim to see the realities of the scripture. I want to spend more time with them all. That should come in August.

Maybe someday I will have a house again. Someday I may not feel so lost.

Belonging

Belonging as defined by Merriam-Webster means possession—usually used in plural close or intimate relationship .

What is a sense of belonging? Where does that sense come from? If it is not there can we ever get it? 

I have found this journey interesting even though most of the time I have resisted going in where it wants to take me which has been out of my comfort zone. However, sooner or later I am back on the trail and am finding my way down the road.

It has been so strange to me that no matter what I have did I have always felt like that fifth wheel and yet I know people care about me, for me and with me. I usually have a good time with whoever I am with and embrace the friendships that I have. 

I know I belong to a kingdom whose Father is God. I know I belong to different groups, and I know that I have "a friend that sticks closer than a brother".


Still...that longing to actually "feel" that I belonged was so overwhelming at times that I could not stand it. I am thinking however that if stay on the road to holiness I believe that I will become whole and as I become whole I will feel that belonging feeling.

Days

I don't know has it always been like this? Is right now any different than so many other years? I don't feel I have ever been in a place where life seems so overwhelming, unbearable, hard to cope with, or I don't know what. Is it spiritual, physical, or emotional? One day I seem to do well where I visit folks, get errands done, or sending out a resume or applying for a a job on line, and straightening the apartment. The next day I hit a pot hole and get off track. Lord, help me and please straighten my life out.

Moments

At the beginning of this month, March 7 to be exact at 7:07 pm my daughter birthed a 6# 3oz, 18.5 inch baby girl. The world was great and life was good! I had the opportunity to spend the next several days there helping out with the older sisters, house and dogs. My daughter being a movie buff rented a movie called, "The Soloist" and while we watched the movie I became reminded again of Is 61, "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,"

Even though I am also one of the brokenhearted, and need someone to proclaim freedom to me, and to be released from prison the movie confirmed that I also had this responsibility to others. It confirmed that I should never get so far away from this truth that I walk in an attitude of "entitlement" that when proclaiming these truths I expect others to practice their faith like I do, or listen to the music I listen to, or expect trials and tribulations to go around me or above me or to expect God to do me special favors because even though my soul is anchored in an unshakable kingdom I do not live there full time yet. It is only in living among those who struggle with job loses, illness, home foreclosures, and the many other trials and stresses that can assail us that I can let Jesus show his love for them through me and that in his love there is peace, joy, kindness, goodness, long-suffering, faithfulness, self-control, and gentleness and this is what we all need to see in our daily lives.

It also reminded me of how we all need someone else and how just one person can make a difference even for a moment of time in the life of someone else. I thank God for the people who have taken that moment in my life. Will you do the same?

Lang may yer lum reek! (Long may your chimney smoke)

“(said of God):If this is the way you treat your friends, it's no wonder you have so few!” St. Teresa of Avila
This quote in many ways sums of my feelings of this past year of my life and yet this is only looking at part of a picture and it is the one I am looking at from this chair in front of my computer screen. In other words I am looking at this picture one sided.

January was met with another semester of school to complete and as I started that semester I was struggling with learning and remembering things for a tests and completing assignments and getting through each day. Which even though a struggle I did get through and at this point I know it was God pulling me through as I was struggling with some depression, frustration, grief and down right I want to quit everything. I didn't quit, I still struggle with some depression and frustration and grief but I did make it through school graduating on May 3rd with an Associates in Arts and Science/Nursing (I still love writing this) and in August I passed my state boards and received my Registered Nurse license.

I was also blessed to attend a Vineyard conference in February, take a trip to Nashville over spring break to see my dear friends Matt and Sam Mulder along with my buddy Ethan and cute Fiona. I also was able to see Sam's mom and catch up with her and make a stop at Gracepointe church. It was then on to Indiana to spend a couple of days with my daughter Sam and her family. My return was the desire to move to Nashville again because I wanted an adventure and even though I have not moved and it seems it may be awhile before that becomes a reality I might be getting some adventures right here in Muskegon.

The summer was spent filling in some open shifts at NOCH and praying and searching to figure out my spot in nursing and even though I had hoped for a job in FBU that does not seem to be where I am going to be right now. Although this is disappointing because that was my big reason for getting my RN I may be starting one of those adventures I am looking for.

I am at Bethany Church and this fall I felt led to coordinate the Twice Fed Bible study meals and so far that has gone quite well. The chili cook off was one of everyone favorites and we have had a filling study as well as filling meals. I am also doing projection for Sunday services and I do enjoy that too. Gospel Choir on Tuesdays nights is a time of praise and worship for me and has added to our Sunday services.

In October a group of us from church attended Christian Community Development Association conference in Cincinnati, Ohio and this conference taught me that there are some people I cannot help, or fix but I can love them all. I know I can only love them all with Christ's love and not my own doing.

I will end the year at Urbana09 an Intervasity Missions conference as a volunteer and again wondering what I will learn.

Sam and Brian are still living in Avilla, IN, which is nice because it is a 3 hour drive from here and Sam is expecting another grandchild for me the end of March or first part of April. I am hoping the baby is born on April 1. Gwen is doing well in school and is at a Montessori based school and Ambree attends preschool at Calvary Lutheran where Sam directs the preschool and Youth group. Brian is job searching and transporting the girls to school.

Mike and Kary are here in Muskegon and Mike works at Port City finishing where there have been some hour cuts but mostly only one shutdown. Laben and Noah are enjoying school and Jaylee is one year old already.

Tim is at Ferris in Big Rapids and should graduate in May with a bachelors in Computer Information Systems. The winter semester for him with be school and job hunting and it will probably be in Indiana or Illinois.

I started this with a quote from St. Teresa so I will end it with this because even though I have and sometimes still am struggling with depression, frustration, hurt, grief it is all part of my restoration or the bigger picture that is not completed yet.
“Let nothing disturb thee; Let nothing dismay thee; All thing pass; God never changes. Patience attains All that it strives for. He who has God Finds he lacks nothing:God alone suffices.”St. Teresa of Avila

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year my friends be blessed.