“(said of God):If this is the way you treat your friends, it's no wonder you have so few!” St. Teresa of Avila
This quote in many ways sums of my feelings of this past year of my life and yet this is only looking at part of a picture and it is the one I am looking at from this chair in front of my computer screen. In other words I am looking at this picture one sided.
January was met with another semester of school to complete and as I started that semester I was struggling with learning and remembering things for a tests and completing assignments and getting through each day. Which even though a struggle I did get through and at this point I know it was God pulling me through as I was struggling with some depression, frustration, grief and down right I want to quit everything. I didn't quit, I still struggle with some depression and frustration and grief but I did make it through school graduating on May 3rd with an Associates in Arts and Science/Nursing (I still love writing this) and in August I passed my state boards and received my Registered Nurse license.
I was also blessed to attend a Vineyard conference in February, take a trip to Nashville over spring break to see my dear friends Matt and Sam Mulder along with my buddy Ethan and cute Fiona. I also was able to see Sam's mom and catch up with her and make a stop at Gracepointe church. It was then on to Indiana to spend a couple of days with my daughter Sam and her family. My return was the desire to move to Nashville again because I wanted an adventure and even though I have not moved and it seems it may be awhile before that becomes a reality I might be getting some adventures right here in Muskegon.
The summer was spent filling in some open shifts at NOCH and praying and searching to figure out my spot in nursing and even though I had hoped for a job in FBU that does not seem to be where I am going to be right now. Although this is disappointing because that was my big reason for getting my RN I may be starting one of those adventures I am looking for.
I am at Bethany Church and this fall I felt led to coordinate the Twice Fed Bible study meals and so far that has gone quite well. The chili cook off was one of everyone favorites and we have had a filling study as well as filling meals. I am also doing projection for Sunday services and I do enjoy that too. Gospel Choir on Tuesdays nights is a time of praise and worship for me and has added to our Sunday services.
In October a group of us from church attended Christian Community Development Association conference in Cincinnati, Ohio and this conference taught me that there are some people I cannot help, or fix but I can love them all. I know I can only love them all with Christ's love and not my own doing.
I will end the year at Urbana09 an Intervasity Missions conference as a volunteer and again wondering what I will learn.
Sam and Brian are still living in Avilla, IN, which is nice because it is a 3 hour drive from here and Sam is expecting another grandchild for me the end of March or first part of April. I am hoping the baby is born on April 1. Gwen is doing well in school and is at a Montessori based school and Ambree attends preschool at Calvary Lutheran where Sam directs the preschool and Youth group. Brian is job searching and transporting the girls to school.
Mike and Kary are here in Muskegon and Mike works at Port City finishing where there have been some hour cuts but mostly only one shutdown. Laben and Noah are enjoying school and Jaylee is one year old already.
Tim is at Ferris in Big Rapids and should graduate in May with a bachelors in Computer Information Systems. The winter semester for him with be school and job hunting and it will probably be in Indiana or Illinois.
I started this with a quote from St. Teresa so I will end it with this because even though I have and sometimes still am struggling with depression, frustration, hurt, grief it is all part of my restoration or the bigger picture that is not completed yet.
“Let nothing disturb thee; Let nothing dismay thee; All thing pass; God never changes. Patience attains All that it strives for. He who has God Finds he lacks nothing:God alone suffices.”St. Teresa of Avila
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year my friends be blessed.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
July 4
The holiday went well. Cookout at Mike's and then fireworks from the 9th floor window. I enjoyed being with the kids. Tim went off with some friends for the evening. Sometimes life acts like it is returning to a routine and most of the time it is. Occasionly some memory is triggered and I first get angry then figure out why. Maybe God can redirect my emotion to something else when a memory is triggered instead of anger.
Anger
Anger has been my nemesis for many years and sometimes it is strange to me how this is the first emotion that comes to my attention. There has been a lot of anger that I have dealt with the past three years surrounding Mike's death and the grief process. I am finding it strange that the anger is so ready to come to the surface.
I have been dealing recently with the anger again and as I was making something to eat this evening it came to me as to why. I am back working 7p-7a and when I was on that shift before Mike made sure supper was ready before I left for work most of the time and if I was not up and moving by a certain time he would check to see why. It if funny the things you miss and the things you have to change when someone close to you is no longer there. I am still finding out what this new life is like as a single person after being a couple for so long. The years go on and after all the big firsts it is the little things that really create a void that this person is no longer a part of my life. It has been those little things that sometimes have created the largest void that in all reality will be the most difficult to fill. Like hooking up the cable box to the tv and dvd player so you can play dvd's on the tv. I will work it out but it is an inconvenience right now but I can play them on the computer.
I am thankful for a heavenly Father that is there to coach me through these times. Prayer and gratitude ebb away the anger because I have been blessed with many new good things like new friendships from church and school and where I live. I have been blessed with a simpler life and the accomplishment of finishing school. Good communication grows between my kids and I and I love the 5 grandchildren I have and who always miss me. It is becoming a good life.
I have been dealing recently with the anger again and as I was making something to eat this evening it came to me as to why. I am back working 7p-7a and when I was on that shift before Mike made sure supper was ready before I left for work most of the time and if I was not up and moving by a certain time he would check to see why. It if funny the things you miss and the things you have to change when someone close to you is no longer there. I am still finding out what this new life is like as a single person after being a couple for so long. The years go on and after all the big firsts it is the little things that really create a void that this person is no longer a part of my life. It has been those little things that sometimes have created the largest void that in all reality will be the most difficult to fill. Like hooking up the cable box to the tv and dvd player so you can play dvd's on the tv. I will work it out but it is an inconvenience right now but I can play them on the computer.
I am thankful for a heavenly Father that is there to coach me through these times. Prayer and gratitude ebb away the anger because I have been blessed with many new good things like new friendships from church and school and where I live. I have been blessed with a simpler life and the accomplishment of finishing school. Good communication grows between my kids and I and I love the 5 grandchildren I have and who always miss me. It is becoming a good life.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Rough
Today was a rough day. Missing my dad, missing Mike, having no one to celebrate with thankful that I was suppose to work tonight so I could sleep. But now I am awake and the ache is still there and my daughter called and said how she was missing her dad a lot lately. I know what she means.
It comes and goes in waves and some days it is horrible or I am so angry with him about something in the past that the hurt is rubbed out by the anger. I continue to learn about grief and the feelings that come along with it. Then there is dealing with the feelings or not. Most of the time I do choose to deal with them because I have learned what ever you don't deal with will come back to haunt you.
Tonight I am on call for the hospital so I am up for a while but will sleep soon. I ache more for my kids and I know it is something they have to deal with and I can not protect them from it or take it away for them. We must all walk through.
It comes and goes in waves and some days it is horrible or I am so angry with him about something in the past that the hurt is rubbed out by the anger. I continue to learn about grief and the feelings that come along with it. Then there is dealing with the feelings or not. Most of the time I do choose to deal with them because I have learned what ever you don't deal with will come back to haunt you.
Tonight I am on call for the hospital so I am up for a while but will sleep soon. I ache more for my kids and I know it is something they have to deal with and I can not protect them from it or take it away for them. We must all walk through.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Much Has Happened
Since April 16, 2009 many things have taken place only to prove that change is a constant way of life.
April 30, 2009 I resigned as a deacon from our church realizing it was not what I was called to do at this point in my life. I will live in the background.
May 3, 2009 I graduated from Muskegon Community College with an Associates in Science and Arts degree/Nursing. I have sent my application in for taking the RN state boards.
June 10, 2009 I started back at North Ottawa Community Hospital as and LPN/GN and will be able to work full time this summer.
June 12-14, 2009 I attended the Multi-Ethnic Conference of the CRC. It was life changing for me and has given me many things to pursue to change in my own life so that I can effectively support changes in the church. Some of the questions that came up was what is it like to be an Irish, Scottish, Bohemin, Blackfoot, English American female in today's world? What does it mean for me who has spent the last 30 years in pentecostal, charismaic non-denominations to now be back in the Christian Reform Denomination? What does God want my home church to look and be like and how does that match scripture?
I learned about self-theologizing and that in doing this I am letting God form my beliefs to his word instead of just allowing me to be had fed what this scripture means and believeing. I also learned this is ok.
It was absolutly great being with my brothers and sisters from all over the US and of different ethinic lives. I heard so many stories and I love that. I also heard the stories of my brother and sisters from my own church and got to know them better. A closeness I will cherish.
I learned the church has come a long way, it is growing but we still have a ways to go before we can accept and cherish each others differences and "love each one as our neighbor." I learned that there are people dedicated to keep the church going in the acceptance direction, to keep reminding people that we are all image bearers of our Heavenly Father. I met a new brother, Mark Charles, Reggie Heywood and a couple from LA Richard and Allison Jones. I was reunited with brothers and sisters from two years ago. My highlight was witnessing the Synod of 2009 elect Rev. Shelia Holmes as their Vice-President evidence that God's "will is done on earth as it is in Heaven."
buíochas le Dia! for all your gifts. (Irish gaelic)
April 30, 2009 I resigned as a deacon from our church realizing it was not what I was called to do at this point in my life. I will live in the background.
May 3, 2009 I graduated from Muskegon Community College with an Associates in Science and Arts degree/Nursing. I have sent my application in for taking the RN state boards.
June 10, 2009 I started back at North Ottawa Community Hospital as and LPN/GN and will be able to work full time this summer.
June 12-14, 2009 I attended the Multi-Ethnic Conference of the CRC. It was life changing for me and has given me many things to pursue to change in my own life so that I can effectively support changes in the church. Some of the questions that came up was what is it like to be an Irish, Scottish, Bohemin, Blackfoot, English American female in today's world? What does it mean for me who has spent the last 30 years in pentecostal, charismaic non-denominations to now be back in the Christian Reform Denomination? What does God want my home church to look and be like and how does that match scripture?
I learned about self-theologizing and that in doing this I am letting God form my beliefs to his word instead of just allowing me to be had fed what this scripture means and believeing. I also learned this is ok.
It was absolutly great being with my brothers and sisters from all over the US and of different ethinic lives. I heard so many stories and I love that. I also heard the stories of my brother and sisters from my own church and got to know them better. A closeness I will cherish.
I learned the church has come a long way, it is growing but we still have a ways to go before we can accept and cherish each others differences and "love each one as our neighbor." I learned that there are people dedicated to keep the church going in the acceptance direction, to keep reminding people that we are all image bearers of our Heavenly Father. I met a new brother, Mark Charles, Reggie Heywood and a couple from LA Richard and Allison Jones. I was reunited with brothers and sisters from two years ago. My highlight was witnessing the Synod of 2009 elect Rev. Shelia Holmes as their Vice-President evidence that God's "will is done on earth as it is in Heaven."
buíochas le Dia! for all your gifts. (Irish gaelic)
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Last Night of Clinical
tonight was my last night of clinical. I made it now there are two exams to study for and my boards and I will be an RN. A journey that started in 2004 and so much has changed. At the end of this journey two of my children are married, one in college, my mother-in-law has went to her heavenly home along with my husband, pastor and dad. I lived in a three bedroom house with basement and now occupy a two room apartment but the rent is unbeatable. However the moment was bitter sweet as I walked in the door tonight after being out with classmates this evening. It was silent and there was no one to welcome me home or at this time hug me and say you made it! I know many are supporting and cheering and praying me on but these moments are when the tears come easy and the ache like a black hole. The classmates sang Happy Birthday tonight because it is that as well and I have been greeted by facebook messages and phone calls. The ache, aches. Do I try to go to sleep or just rumble at the computer?
It has been a great day!!!!
It has been a great day!!!!
Friday, April 3, 2009
This Week
It was a good week at clinical's but it started turning melancholy when I found out that a friend from my Le Leche League years ended her earthly journey due to cancer. What a shock! I had seen her at the Art Fair down town a few years ago and we talked about kids, church and things that were happening. We were moms together and her oldest and my youngest were 4 months apart and we were nurses together and followers of Christ together because we did not talk religion but relationship. My three kids and I would go to their house in Lakeside and visit, walk over the dune, and play with them. Then they moved--Twin Lake I believe. One of the other times we seen each other was at a Michael Card concert at Maranatha. I can still see her beautiful smile and twinkle in her eyes.
Last night as I was finishing up some duties I learned of a three year old with brain cancer. She has been in this journey with her parents since December of last year and it was in the way her dad said her name that made my heart melt. Her great grandmother also has cancer and is struggling through added diagnosis.
And then today I read where another familiar person from my past also left this earth and flew to the arms of Jesus. Her family was surrounding her too and now I can hear her singing in that heavenly choir around the throne in a stand out voice this time. Our boys played soccer together and I can see her on the sidelines.
As I was watching the last episode of ER it just reinforced the fact of this circle we travel in life and with the other events of this week to keep our friendships intact and clear and clean. We do not know what the next second will bring or be but we will get some sleep and go at again tomorrow.
My heart hurts for these families here is where the sting lies and knowing all I can do in pray for them some how seems frustrating but knowing what the Father can do brings comfort. I wish they could avoid this journey but on the other hand I have no idea what our Father has for them and it will be more than I can" immeasurably ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us," Ephesians 3:20 (NIV)
Last night as I was finishing up some duties I learned of a three year old with brain cancer. She has been in this journey with her parents since December of last year and it was in the way her dad said her name that made my heart melt. Her great grandmother also has cancer and is struggling through added diagnosis.
And then today I read where another familiar person from my past also left this earth and flew to the arms of Jesus. Her family was surrounding her too and now I can hear her singing in that heavenly choir around the throne in a stand out voice this time. Our boys played soccer together and I can see her on the sidelines.
As I was watching the last episode of ER it just reinforced the fact of this circle we travel in life and with the other events of this week to keep our friendships intact and clear and clean. We do not know what the next second will bring or be but we will get some sleep and go at again tomorrow.
My heart hurts for these families here is where the sting lies and knowing all I can do in pray for them some how seems frustrating but knowing what the Father can do brings comfort. I wish they could avoid this journey but on the other hand I have no idea what our Father has for them and it will be more than I can" immeasurably ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us," Ephesians 3:20 (NIV)
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