Reality Check

1 For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven—God-made, not handmade
2 —and we'll never have to relocate our "tents" again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move—and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what's coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we're tired of it! We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! 2 Corinthians 5:1-2 (MSG)

This week I have had a big time reality check. I knew I had arthritis in my right knee because I had it replaced. At the time my left knee was bothered some. It will be 3 years in January that my right knee was done.

At times in the past my back would hurt and if I rearranged furniture or did a lot of pushing and pulling my back would cramp and ache. Well this week I had to wait a couple of days to get an anti-inflammatory filled that I had been taking for back pain since some other meds have been changed. Believing strongly that I could go 2 days without this med I picked it up on Wednesday.

I have a new flash. I am no longer invincible. The tent is wearing out a lot faster than everything else and it has started with the joints. So as I was shuffling across the street Wednesday it was more that I could hardly  move vs being care of the ice. This whole thing just totally snuck up on me and took me totally by surprise. How dare my body betray me like that! I should not feel this way till 80. So I now know to keep a level in my system and to watch and move more with intention. It is also making me examine how to best continue my career in nursing. So many things to consider.

Another Solider

It was not snowing this afternoon as it had been this morning when I walked to McLaughlin School to be present as the kids are getting out of school in the afternoon after two more attempted assaults against the children. Another neighbor was up there so I stood with him and he and I greeted the kids as they came out and he would joke and kid with them I would follow his lead and joke with the kids.

I had skipped Ladies Fellowship today because I had been napping and when I woke up about one I didn't feel like waking up so I just slept some more and then walked up to the school. It was a nice walk, cold, brisk, but little to know wind and nice. But as I came back by the church there was the ambulance and fire truck and knowing the group there I started going through the list of those who had not been feeling well lately but as I came up to the door my friend was coming to her car and told me who it was.She needed to take her mother-in-law home so I told her to pull around front and I would bring her out to the car so one the other of the ladies and I did that.

I started reading a book by Gordon McDonald entitled, "Who Stole My Church?"  and the conversations in the book I could hear come from many in the church I attend and it is really striking a chord in me.

I stopped over to our Pastor's house on my way home to check on him and as we talked about the group of ladies there he mentioned how resilient they were and that struck a chord in me and he is so right. The senior group of people at our church are very resilient and how they bounced back from so many of the valleys and twists and turns of life.

I wonder how did they become that way? How do we bounce back? I also wonder what happened to my resiliency? Did I every really have any or was it just me bluffing? Is it possible to get resiliency back? What plans does God have for me and why am I in a place where the saints are so fragile?

Labor Day

I pray Dear God tell me what is wrong with me. The depression won't go away. I have been crying since last week off and on and called my job counselor and my counselor but everything is still up in the air. The feelings run on forever and just won't stop. One minuet I am frustrated because I feel so rotten and then scold myself because I have much to be thankful for. Then I feel lonely and then I talk to one of my kids on line or someone on face book or go see Pam but I feel lonely. Its like it is something that never goes away no matter how many people are around.

I spent the weekend with Sam's family in IN and I got some great pics of the kids. Good drive there and back. Mike's family is settled temporarily, and Tim starts a job in Lansing at IBM this week. But I am bummed.

I am feeling used up like I have been doing so much for everybody for so long that there is no more of me left. I keep attracting situations that require more of my emotion or some one trying to get money from me to bail them out or those that need a babysitter. I get to Wed at work and the next two days are all down hill. I am tired and can't wake up, I tearful and by Friday every step I take is labored. Maybe I am paying penance for not being more understanding of Mike. I don't know but it is crap and I need to find a way out of this.

I think God's grace is sufficient but don't know how to access the sufficiency. I know God will fight for me but don't know if he is or if I am letting him. I sure do not feel he is answering me when I ask to show me the problem or how to get out of this. I have tried medication and the effects are temporary until the hormones swing then nothing seems to work. Its Paul stating I do the things I don't want to and don't do the things I want to. Except there seems no solution for my problem at least with Paul's there is now no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus.

Help.

Another Day

I am depressed. My head aches and my back is cramping continuously. The past two days at work have been stressed which has contributed to my head and cramps. Of course the menstruation that is happening doesn't help either which is causing the cramps. I don't feel content or pleased with my life right now at all. I feel that the road is completely up hill. Bills I can barely pay and people wanting more money than I have. All for what to live another day.

Kingdom Works

It is so interesting to me how the Lord speaks to me these days and how I can see Kingdom truths that can come from some of the most unusual places like Sister Act, the movie. Like when Delores is talking with theabout the new rendition of Hail Holy Queen.
Reverend Mother:   Girl groups? Boogie woogie on the piano? What were you thinking?
Delores: I was thinkin' more like Vegas, y'know, get some butts in the seats.
Reverend Mother: And what next? Popcorn? Curtain calls? This is not a theater or a casino.
Delores: Yeah, but that's the problem. See, people like going to theaters, and they like going to casinos, but they don't like coming to church. Why? Because it's a drag. But we could change all that, see? We could pack this joint.
Reverend Mother: Through blasphemy? You have corrupted the entire choir!


I noticed that the Reverend Mother's reaction can be so much like others I have seen when it comes to change in the church and even though as Kingdom Ambassadors the is to do more than get butts in the seats that does have something to do with the commissioning of Jesus to the disciples, "Go ye." And Ye does mean Me and You. As that train of thought continued to move along I continued to examine my own reaction to the changes God has interrupted me with over the years and like the Reverend Mother I resisted, scrutinized, and sometimes downright disobeyed and ignored what he wanted to change or do.

We have been called to be Kingdom Ambassadors and that does mean change. Changing our way of life, our philosophies, our actions and reactions, and the way we live in this life. Change does not come easy I don't think it was suppose to but it is suppose to happen to live out that Great Commission. Living among people and giving, helping, and receiving from a world that our Father created and gave to us. As we do this we will begin to a life that we truly could not imagine. The next quote by the Reverend Mother sums up what this life as Kingdom Ambassadors can be.

Reverend Mother: "I hold you responsible for all of this. For introducing a lounge act into my convent. For utterly disrupting our lives and exposing us all to mortal danger.

Thank you." 

One night the Lord spoke to Paul in a vision: "Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent.  For I am with you, and no one is going to attack and harm you, because I have many people in this city."  Acts 18:9-10 (NIV) 

They are all around us all we have to do is listen.

Lost

It still surprises me when these feelings come flooding in and then I get teary eyed then frustrated with myself. So now here I am at home by myself and the thoughts roll on along with some tears maybe and this lost feeling and remember what I have lost.

I was at a party tonight for Randy and Lisa they are getting married July 24 and it was at Jeff and Gail Hall's house and that used to belong to John and Karen Peters and I was remembering the girl scout meetings I was at there, the cookie exchanges, and how Sam had babysat there then I remembered our house on West Dale and how I had worked so hard to keep paying on the place only to have it deteriorate and before I had the chance to remodel gave it back to the mortgage company. Then I remember how I am alone now and don't like it and instead of being alone in an apartment I would be alone in a three bedroom house. But then I feel lost and like I don't belong to anyone or anywhere like I don't even belong on the earth. So I have the music going and Monday I will start my new job. Then the Lord can lead me to a new place to live. Tomorrow I am going over to Diane Sodini to have lunch, swim and watch the air fair.

I do miss my daughter and I am frustrated for them that Brain has not found a job yet. I want to see Mike and Kary get along better and for him to rededicate him self to the God of his youth. Tim to see the realities of the scripture. I want to spend more time with them all. That should come in August.

Maybe someday I will have a house again. Someday I may not feel so lost.

Belonging

Belonging as defined by Merriam-Webster means possession—usually used in plural close or intimate relationship .

What is a sense of belonging? Where does that sense come from? If it is not there can we ever get it? 

I have found this journey interesting even though most of the time I have resisted going in where it wants to take me which has been out of my comfort zone. However, sooner or later I am back on the trail and am finding my way down the road.

It has been so strange to me that no matter what I have did I have always felt like that fifth wheel and yet I know people care about me, for me and with me. I usually have a good time with whoever I am with and embrace the friendships that I have. 

I know I belong to a kingdom whose Father is God. I know I belong to different groups, and I know that I have "a friend that sticks closer than a brother".


Still...that longing to actually "feel" that I belonged was so overwhelming at times that I could not stand it. I am thinking however that if stay on the road to holiness I believe that I will become whole and as I become whole I will feel that belonging feeling.