Another Brick in the Road

It is November in Michigan and it is snowing before Thanksgiving for the first time in years. I used to when I was a kid many, many years ago. I remember because all the hunters in the family were excited to be able to have the snow to track the deer. But I don't remember this much snow nor it being this cold that the tears in your eyes freeze to your eyelashes, your nose hairs quit moving because they are froze and the snow crunches under each step of your boots.

It is 12:38 am, Tuesday, November 18 and nine days before Thanksgiving I am writing this in my bed with the electric blanket on and I am alone. This reminds me it is that time again when not everyone will have a full table next Thursday. There will be empty places shouting out to those gathered. Not all places are empty because of death but are empty because that person is in prison and maybe it has been many holiday's they have celebrated away from their families.

If it is the first is it is particularly painful for the family and the one incarcerated. The chatter around the table isn't quite so lighthearted and animated and maybe there is not a lot of chatter at all. With each beat of ones heart it aches because that person is missing. Maybe you just cannot believe that your family member is actually behind bars or maybe it is a repeat and the questions include why and how can this be happening again. There may be tears and awkward silences at the table and your wish is that this day would just be done.

I am grateful that this years all my family will be around and I am blessed to be able to celebrate with someone who has spent the last four years behind bars. It will be a first for him and his dad to be together and break bread together. My heart is full of joy.

Then I think of those who are in Nursing homes and the people who just don't seem to have anybody. I pray you will be aware of those people. Please be sensitive and maybe invite them to your holiday dinner. I am grateful that Thanksgiving is one holiday I have not spent alone and I have had an enjoyable time with the family I did spend it with but I am aware not all people are so blessed. Families are fractured, people are angry or bitter, some are just too far away, some are incarcerated. I pray they will be reached out to.

The Journey

It seems like it is crying time again. In trying to analyze this I am thinking the main contributor is the fact I have not been taking any antidepressant because of an enlarged liver and increased enzymes. But there are also some other physical problems brewing in my body too that could contribute to the tears and weeping.

So much of this journey has been lonely and done alone. Now that fact is magnified a few days out of every month where my emotions are depressed and I think and cry. And I cry over anything and everything and it has not been something I can stop. So right now I can not help but feel alone and slipping.

I thought some relief had come my way to find out it was not what I thought it was but it has been a welcome change. Financial problems continue, changes keep coming in social security, I would like more space but can not afford it, had some tire problems today and because I did not pay closer attention to my account racked up overdraft charges, that I don't want to confess to anyone, but they will cut into my SS big time. Hopefully I have that interview next week and can get a possible start date to ease the money plight that began in June when I signed for that car for Kary and Mike and the insurance killed me. Just as I was going to recover I mess up. Hopefully I won't lose the food stamps and Nov is a short month.

Poverty feels like it has secured itself in my life. I am a registered nurse, widowed in poverty and I just can't believe this is the life I was intended to have.

Then there are church issues should gays take communion? Is the gospel a "social justice" gospel? Why do we need education regarding race reconciliation? Why can't more people help with church ministries? It seems these are the same battles that have been pulling at the church since it's inception. The letter of Hebrews deals with Jews who want to revert to their tradition because it was familiar to them and easy. Romans is about Christian duties, Galatians argued grace vs law, Ephesians addresses unity among believers, Philippians looks at the love Christ has for His church, and Philemon encourages forgiveness of another. James instructs us that our faith should bring a change in our priorities and behaviors. I think all these questions are answered in the letters maybe not verbatim but in the matters of forgiveness, love and how we treat others. And I this too makes me cry.

Betrayal

This word as been circulating in my mind for a while now and has become even more my feeling regarding certain events. The word has taken on feeling for me and it describes where I feel I am at in my life right now.

The betrayal I am experiencing is not from a person but it is from my body and all the things that are occurring in my body physically right now. It is very frustrating for me to have deal with all these little nuisances. A few years ago some people told me that it is very easy to become ill in the first couple of years after a death, however I really didn't seem to experience that other than the strange bout of cellulitis I had in both my legs. In '08 I had my right knee replaced but after that it seem like I would get ill with some little bug a couple times a year. I  was able to deal with those things and in '12 it became obvious I needed my left knee replace which was able to happen in '13 but instead of bouncing back from that like I thought I would I continue to have some problems with the tendons. I have found out that I need my gallbladder removed and that has become a source of irritation. The last week or so I have been weepy over most everything.

When I went back for my RN I didn't plan on not working these were suppose to be glory days for Mike and I and then for myself but it has been almost everything but. I have done some neat things like go to conferences, travel to Nashville, Houghton, and St. Louis. But not to Ireland yet or some of my other dream places.

Much of this journey has been a journey of recovery for my emotions, my mind, and maybe for my body because I was so busy taking care of everyone else that I did not always take care of myself. I know stress can take a tremendous toll on the body but I would really like for recovery to be over. So I will wade thought this next bout of things that need to be taken care of and see where I end up.

I feel that my best days are behind me. What is God gonna do with me now? Am I even any good for Him anymore? I can listen to all the encouraging sermons and yet not walk away with encouragement. My feeling is what is gonna go wrong next. I don't feel I have the joy or expectation that a servant of Jesus should have. I think this down feeling is due to physical dysfunctions but it is present a nagging manner.

So I pray; Help. Hold Me Jesus. And wait for direction.

Grief Journey

I have found that this journey for me has meant to grieve things I didn't have as well as what I have loss. Yesterday was my dad's birthday and he would have been 82 but in remembering that was also remembering the loss of not being a father.

My dad was limited due to childhood seizures that left him emotionally and cognitively a child too. He was able to sign his name but could not read and this skill eluded him even though he eventually went back to school to learn. His parents over protected him but he was still limited emotionally. I know he could love and I remember being disciplined for say a naughty word when I "burned" my self with my play iron while ironing a doll dress. Before his death I do know he loved me as best he could.

My mom died in 1995 and I always felt she did not like me and in part that is true. I looked like my dad's side of the family, my paternal grandmother felt my mom was not able to adequately to care for me, and we lived with my paternal grandparents. All these blocks built quite a wall between my mother and me. She also talked of this wall often too which reinforced her dislike of me. I was too tall, my feet too big, I was not a male, I wore my heart on my sleeve, I cried too easily, I didn't have brown hair and eyes, and a list of other things I did not have. All of this left me feeling like I did not belong to this family and I do remember looking for adoption papers when I was about 8 or 9. The year she died I was about to graduate from nursing school and my husband told me how excited she was and how she was planning for my graduation. She love me the best she could.

I have felt envious of people who have been friends since their school days or college days or early parenting days. I feel I have one person that has been a forever best friend. But the Father has blessed me with many long time friends who have stood in prayer with me and for me and who have been there is the stormy times of my life and encouraged me, loved me and rejoiced with me.

All this early initial, rejection has left feeling like an outsider, never really accepted by anyone. It is true I am alone right now in my life right now because I am a widow. But in a couple hours I will be joining church people for Bible study. I have friends to call and to invite over. I belong to a body of believers called the church.

I belong to a Father who created me and knit me together in my mother's womb and instilled the gifts in me that he wanted me to have. He created me not my parents and I am not too tall or have the wrong color hair and eyes and I don't cry too much or not enough. I am esteemed by my Father. Just as I am and what needs to be changed He gives me the ability to do so by the Holy Spirit.

Satan lies. The lies come to thought and when I dwell on that thought it becomes distorted and I see  pictures of his lies and distortions.

Thanks you, Father for lifting me up out of the miry clay of lies.

Unquenchable: Grow a Wildfire Faith that Will Endure Anything by Carol Kent

Recently I finished a book titled,  "Unquenchable: Grow a Wildfire Faith that Will Endure Anything", by Carol Kent. I was interested in the book because I had come to realize that my faith was just there, I knew I was saved and would go to heaven, I learned God was providing all my needs but I tired and lacked joy. It seemed like it had been one trial after another since 2000 with more strenuous trials happening in the last 7 1/2 years since losing my husband and becoming a widow. The most disheartening thing about the fact that my faith was just there was that by fall of 2013 I lacked the desire to do anything to change that fact.

As I read the book and Carol's own story, and the stories of others in the book I realized that there were some red embers still burning but I wasn't in the mood to fan the flame. I could identify with just about every story in the book. I had been there and I had been through what these women had been through: death of parents and in-laws, death of my husband, problems with children and the incarceration of a child, job losses, medical and mental problems with family, my own children, and husband, family disputes, church disputes, friend break-ups, and losing my own income for six months. But they came back, they were able to turn their faith around and it was at that point I realized that 1.) my own faith was probably not where God wanted it and 2.) my faith could be set a blaze again.

Continuing to read through the chapters I began to realize that the very questions Carol and others were asking I had asked too. The ideas Carol gave to blow on the embers to ignite them again, like a blessings list, journaling, forgiving, and thanking God for daily things in my life had became less of a discipline and more of a maybe I'll dot that today. I realized I was not alone in the trials that had come into my life or the wavering of my faith and I had not been picked out of the group just to be picked on. There was work happening in my life, I was becoming whole, pure, stronger and weaker, unlike so many people God, my Father had not left me on my own but gave me a guiding compass to the place we call Heaven and until then I will occupy till He calls me home or comes back for me.

Lent started March 5, and it will be during this time that I pick up those disciplines again and put them back in to my life. I will begin to intentionally thank God for the day He has given me and the blessings that came my way. As God gives me each new task I will try to remember that, He is my helper and His grace is sufficient. I can feel the embers growing hotter as I pray.

Page Two

Well, here it is another February come and going, thankfully. This a month with anniversaries I would sometimes like to forget. The two best days of Feb are the first which is Sam's birthday and now the 25th which is Thomas' birthday. There are four days which family members left earth for their heavenly reward.

The 25th is also the day that Mike, my husband died. The day that changed my world forever and this year I am having a rough time. The tears are close and I am not sure what I will do tomorrow.

Feb 26-
The day is over and I slept till noon and watched some tv, journaled and went to bed. Also called and sang Happy Birthday to Thomas. Still feeling wispy and wondering what it would be like if he were still here but really he was too sick for that.  

Prime of Life

Loved this book. The characters were vividly described and woven into the plot of this book expertly. It was suspenseful to keep me interested. Plot continued to thicken as the story went on and there was a conclusion but also left some to the imagination. Well written for a first time book.

Pages

I am a widow. There I have said it and I have been a widow for 7 years. It has taken me a long time to use the "w" word after all I was only 47 when I entered that club. It has been a journey that I never imagined. Probably a good thing one can not imagine what that journey is like and the journey is different for every widow.

My journey started out as one in shock which I believe I was in throughout the entire first year. I cried a lot and most certainly every time I was in church. The question I was asked during these times was, "Are you on something?" I finally got to the point I wanted to punch the next person that asked me that. But maybe I should have taken that as a cue that I was in a very emotional state at that time and maybe should have sought medical care. However, I was without insurance and knew I was grieving and figured I would "get over it". Not realizing I was a very broken person and may have needed medical help I marched through everyday the best I could. I was job hunting, going to school, and trying to keep a roof over my head. I really went through each day as kind of a blur and just glad when the day was over. God was with me regardless of the fact that I was mad at Him and I have figured out that He was holding on to me because He loved me. I just could not understand, why now? We had decided that I should finish up school for my RN and Mike was working at a local radio station a few hours a week. The kids were doing good Mike was taking our son to and from work some days. Another was married and the third in college. Everything seemed ok,settled and a little comfortable.

Then came that shocking February, Saturday morning and my world was forever changed. The next thing I knew I was calling EMS, the police arrived, the corner, and finally the funeral home. My pastor's wife was called and she called other church members, I started calling the kids, then my siblings and as word spread friends and family starting arriving to help, comfort, and guide me through the rest of the day. Day one done. Next came planning the funeral and to our surprise the announcer for the local hockey team announced His condolences which made the local paper before anything else did. More messages and cards poured in and God gave me a scripture for each day of hope and comfort. The rest of the year was very much a blur and I remained in shock. I did not want to get out of bed, look for a job, eat, or much of anything else but I did want to die.

The next shock wave came in August when the Pastor died of a heart attack while on vacation and at this point I felt truly defeated. Lost. A drift in a life I no longer wanted to participate in and yet I kept breathing.

Books

Found a new author to get my mystery fix from.
Eyes Wide Open by Ted Dekker

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Eyes Wide Open

This is the first Ted Dekker book I have read. I have been a fan of mysteries since the Happy Hollister’s series of books when I was younger and have continued to search for books in that genre. I do like an edge of your seat, keep you guessing mystery and I found this in “Eyes Wide Open”. I certainly was not expecting the ending but found it intriguing and gave me things to reflect on.

It has been a plot that has stuck with me too and I also like that about books wondering how open my own eyes are?




View all my reviews

A Note of Thanks and the Year in Review

I am making this note my year in review since I have been reflecting during this 7^th year since my world was turned upside down when Mike finishing his race in 2006. I am able to praise and thank God for many things, still.

My journey has had many ups, downs, twists, turns, hills, valleys, roadblocks and detours but as I look back I know God has been with me all the way. In reflection I know that in the brokenness God was healing me from life’s trauma and some of the toxicity I learned growing up. In the middle of this God provided people who would take me to church with them and I learned how Jesus loved me. This foundation is what would carry me through all my years and even now. There were some very valuable things I learned in my home growing up there were nurturing, how to care for others, how to work, and the value of education. But it also gave me a desire to change.

It was in this brokenness over many years but certainly in the last 7 I learned how God, “The Potter” reclaims His clay. The clay is soaked in His love, stirred with His hand, kneaded, wedged and kneaded some more to make a stronger vessel. On the wheel the clays goes to be shaped by his loving hands into a vessel of honor and He works with the clay until it submits to His will. I am thankful for His rebuilding of my life to live in freedom of His love. I am thankful for His restoration of relationships, of my commitment to Him and in relationships. I am thankful that He has renewed His vision in me and renewed in me His salvation from the empty life I could have lived.

God has blessed me with 3 wonderful children and the good relationships we have. I am thankful how God is working in their lives as they work out their life. I have 8, to change to 9 in July. Grandchildren I adore and they are healthy, bright and loving and they are doing well in school. All of them are learning of God’s saving grace. I have a fine family.

I am thankful for my extended family and being able to keep in touch via face book or the internet. I am rich in friends and can cheer for them as their lives grow and change, pray for them, or give a word of encouragement.

I am thankful I can choose when, where, with whom, and how to worship. I am with a family of God that loves, prays, and reaches out to each other.

I am thankful God worked out my finances so that I can now live in peace and less anxiety. I am thankful for food, clothes, and a good place to sleep. I am thankful that I did not have to move. I am thankful there are bus stops close by and for people who are willing to give me rides.

I am thankful for my community that is interested in changing and working with each other and that is changing itself from the inside out and helping other neighbors along its way. I am thankful for so many things that a list, a note or even a book may not be large enough to hold them.

    I am so blessed. May each of you experience the same in the year to come. Trina

A Remnant

5 So too, at the present time there is a remnant chosen by grace. Romans 11:5 (NIV) 29 for God's gifts and his call are irrevocable. Romans 11:29 (NIV)
3 Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Psalm 100:3 (NIV)
As we begin a new year these scriptures have been coming to my spirit. Regardless of what we read, see or hear God has a people, they are HIS people and He has equipped them with gifts and His call and He does not recant or take the gifts or call back or take it away. Regardless of what is happening to you right now or what you do or do not have you are still His beloved child with the gifts He has given you.

Now we have a choice are you going to accept the gifts He has given you are you going to follow His call? Are you going to be in His pasture? Just because you are part of a body of faith or denomination does not mean you are feeding in His pasture. Now is a good time to make that change if you need to. Be assured God has a church that will triumph.

Happy New Year to one and all.

Journies

A wonderful holiday season is upon me! Christmas lunch at church, family dinners and sharing time with the kids and grand kids. But I have to admit that I have missing Mike for some reason it has been quite a bit closer this year. I wonder about how he would react with the grand kids and what he would think of Jay, Ace, Abi and Thomas Jack. There were only four when he passed and Ambree was the first biological and he LOVED video taping her and Gwen. When Laben and Noah were around he had the camera out then too. I should have a video of Noah's birthday party somewhere. The recent passing of a couple of people from church have certainly stirred those memories even more so.

Yet I have much to look forward to.

Aching

I feel so lonely this time of year with all the specials on tv of couples falling in love, dawning realities, and the wisp of romance. I look around and just would like someone to share that with to touch, watch football with, maybe even cook for.

I think about the sermon today on joy how I cannot manufacture it or create it but I do know it is there and I experience it when I am with my grandchildren, watching my nephew in the Singing Christmas Tree, being with friends shopping or worshiping with my family at church.

I wonder what might it be like to be in love again and it is easy for me to romanticize it but know that it can be all that.

I am excited to celebrate this season another time to be together with friends and family and I am excited to see what God does have in store for me another day.

A Note of Thanks

I have so enjoyed reading the things that you have posted that you are thankful for during this month of November. Even though I have not done a daily posting I thought I would put together this note because as I am reflecting during this 7^th year I am able to praise and thank God for many things.

My journey has had many ups, downs, twists, turns, hills, valleys, roadblocks and detours but as I look back I know God has been with me all the way. In reflection I know that in the brokenness God was healing me from life’s trauma and some of the toxicity I learned growing up. In the middle of this God provided people who would take me to church with them and I learned how Jesus loved me. This foundation is what would carry me through all my years and even now. There were some very valuable things I learned in my home growing up there were nurturing, how to care for others, how to work, and the value of education. But it also gave me a desire to change.

It was in this brokenness over many years but certainly in the last 7 I learned how God, “The Potter” reclaims the clay. The clay is soaked in His love, stirred with His hand, kneaded, wedged and kneaded some more to make a stronger vessel. On the wheel the clays goes to be shaped by his loving hands into a vessel of honor and He works with the clay until it submits to His will. I am thankful for His rebuilding of my life to live in freedom of His love. I am thankful for His restoration of relationships, of my commitment to Him and in relationships. I am thankful that He has renewed His vision in me and renewed in me His salvation from the empty life I could have lived.

God has blessed me with 3 wonderful children and the good relationships we have. I am thankful how God is working in their lives as they work out their life. I have 8 grandchildren I adore and they are healthy, bright and loving and they are doing well in school. I have a fine family.

I am thankful for my extended family and being able to keep in touch via face book or the internet. I am rich in friends and can cheer for them as their lives grow and change, pray for them, or give a word of encouragement.

I am thankful I can choose when, where, with whom, and how to worship. I am with a family of God that loves, prays, and reaches out to each other.

I am thankful God worked out my finances so that I can now live in peace and less anxiety. I am thankful for food, clothes, and a good place to sleep. I am thankful that I did not have to move. I am thankful there are bus stops close by and for people who are willing to give me rides.

I am thankful for my community that is interested in changing and working with each other and that is changing itself from the inside out and helping other neighbors along its way. I am thankful for so many things that a list, a note or even a book may not be large enough to hold them.

Identity

Identity. Identity is something we all have or crave. Some times people want to change their identity because they are running away from something or someone. There are thieves that will steal your identity to gain things and money for themselves.

Today I wondered what my identity was anymore and I wonder how I would/could identify myself. I am now a widow versus a wife and I really don't like the label widow. Single is ok now. I am unemployed instead of employed. The state  welfare system sees me as disabled but that is not a label I want to wear either. I am a care taker of those that are disabled, ill, in need of an advocate. Now I find myself with the label of disabled.

Now to identify myself so that I can feel a part of this society. I am still a mother, sister and now a grandmother. I am a nurse and I can put myself in other work related roles. I guess my true identity and the one that will never change or go away is my identity as a child of God. His beloved. If I remember to see myself as this I will not ever feel lost or orphaned because I will always belong to Him and be a part of His kingdom.

"They will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father." John 14:12

Once again I have bee reflecting on these words again thinking about the greater works Jesus' is talking about. Have you seen any greater works recently? How would you describe them and what would they look like? I think these greater works are works that the "Church" is doing right now in urban areas, in churches, and in the lives of His people. For example:

Last week 3 of us in my home congregation had major surgeries; a heart by-pass and valve repair, Trigeminal Neuralgia neurosurgery and a total knee replacement. Any one of these operations could have had debilitating results or life ending results instead prayers began descending the heavenward before the scheduled dates, on the day and every day since. God has done a great work all of us had good outcomes, we are recovering one-day-at-a-time with successes and set backs. 

The journeys each of us have been on have varied in length and yet the church has been amid the curves, valleys, swamps, and hills regardless if skies have been blue or grey someone has reached out with a word or a card or email or visit. The chruch body has been there with meals, cards, flowers, visits, laundry help, no bake cookies and cupcakes.  

Greater works, yes they are happening in the church we just have to open the "eyes of our hearts" and see them. Because they are there in all of God's glory and goodness.

Saying Goodbye

The news came via a message in Facebook that a friend from Fremont had passed away in the middle of February. The memories came rushing back of listening her play her organ, watching her grow spiritually and the conversations we had along the way, gatherings with her family and some of the banquets we attended together. I was also friends with some of her kids and would babysit for them. I was not able to go the funeral because I did not have a ride of a car but modern technology allowed me to leave a note to the family.

The weekend came and I was told of another friend, one I called aunt had passed away unexpectedly and what a shock. My sister and I did go to that funeral and we were able to reminisces with others and she died two days before my mom did 18 years earlier.

A week ago more news came of another friend who had cancer had completed her earthly journey and her memorial was earlier this week. Fond memories of staying with them during a conference, retreats, ceramics, cake decorating, and other crafts. Even though we didn't see each other a lot we were always able to pick up right were we had left off the last time and spend hours talking.

I is so hard to say good-bye. Each person that goes it is like a part of me is leaving too. I am so thankful for the encouragement of the scripture that says I will see them all again. The Good-bye is only for now being and if for no other reason that the hope to see everyone again I would believe in Heaven. I relish the peace that belief gives me as I walk along this earthly road. I enjoy the hope that one day I will see all the people I love again in new form.

Hebrews 12:1 states, "Now that we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside the weights that bring us down, the sin that so easily besets us." The scripture has a real meaning to me now as those whom I love are in that cloud of witnesses.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I can hardly believe that another year is coming to an end and in 13 more days we will be celebrating 2013! It has been a long year and yet other ways it has flown by like time had been given wings. It is very hard for me to describe this year but I can say God has continued to lead me, guide me and teach me.

            A joyous New Year’s Party at the Zimmerman’s house started the year and it was so good to get to know them on a more personal level and to just fellowship is what started my New Year off.

            In February grandchild number 8 made his debut on February 25, at 7:00 and turned a day that 6 years earlier marked a day of sorrow to a day of rejoicing. Thomas Jack Eli Rastall joined the family and as Gwen stated at one point, “Ain’t that just like God, He recycles.” Maybe in some ways he does but I do know for sure He restores and He restored some joy to my heart that day.

            I also thought I had found a job that month but it turns out that an allergy to cats is more limiting that I ever knew and had to give the job up. So the job hunt continued and at that point unemployment decided that I had voluntarily quit and cut me off from all benefits completely. That decision left me without any income and really caused me to question if I was in God’s will and where I might have ran off the road.

            I kept sending out resumes and kept myself available and kept searching. Another opportunity came my way in May with a home care agency that was attempting to establish a presence in the Muskegon area.

            June brought Sam and Brian and the kids came for a visit in June but I was living with my Aunt and she did not feel she could handle the house full of kids and added adults so the wonderful Ms. Elaine Klemm came to our rescue and let them stay at her home. What a tremendous blessing to myself and the kids. I found out later that the house became Ambree’s dream house. Thankfully it was warm enough in June to spend much time swimming and at the beach. Sam and Brian continue to stay with his parents in IL while he completed a property management course and continued job hunting himself. Currently Gwen, 9 and Ambree, 8 are homeschooled and Abi 2 and Thomas Jack now 9 months on Christmas day are enjoying the time with Grandma and Grandpa.

            Mike and Kary remain in Muskegon and both are now working with Port City Products. Mike had to have carpal tunnel surgery this summer but has healed well. Laben 11, Noah 8, Jaylee 4, and Acelynn 2 keep both parents very busy. The boys played pee-wee football at Oakridge this fall and were very excited that Laben team earned first place and Noah’s team came in third. Jaylee started “pretty school” this fall which is her terminology for pre-school. At Ravenna head start she cooks and draws pictures.

            Tim has relocated to Grand Rapids working with Springthrough as an application developer. He has a house on Wealthy St. and has a special someone he has been communicating with since this fall.

            The year is closing out another holiday season upon on us and again I find myself searching for a job. Spending time with Mike and Kary and the kids and enjoying some Sunday dinners together. I was blessed with a color tour through the U.P. and enjoyed another CCDA conference in the great Twin Cities that God opened doors for a day before it started. Elaine took me and another friend to the Gaither Homecoming Christmas concert which was really a 4 hour worship service and blessed my holiday fun.

I have experienced His care for me in ways that have been tailored just for me and I am overwhelmed how God brought so many moments together for me. The scripture that has been permeating my spirit this season is, “and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.” Luke 2:7 (NIV) I am looking in my own heart to make sure there is room for Jesus. How about you? Is there room for Jesus? I want Him to have all the room He wants and I surrender all has taken new meaning for me. This is not easy for me because I had ideas and plans but I am so thankful that God loves me too much to leave with a deceitful heart about all else or a heart of stone but is giving me that heart of flesh.

Thank you my friends and family for blessing my life in ways that has made me a better person all around. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

A Heart of Gratitude

Years ago I learned a slogan that went, "Gratitude will change your attitude." I have used this slogan many times and I have learned about myself that if I start "giving thanks" for what God has done in my life it is very hard to stay in a self-pity frame of mind.

As our country gets ready to take some moments out to actually pause and give thanks on Thursday God has been molding my heart to look daily every day of the week every week of the month and every month of the year to focus on one day of troubles and look for things to be thankful for. Now I have not done a stellar job of being thankful each and every day and I have started to plummet and focus on my station in life right now and whine and complain but each day and month is getting better.

The big thing right now is to make a conscious effort and to focus with the help of the Holy Spirit to start thinking about things to give thanks for. To focus and work on this day I have been given. To seek and pray to see what God wants me to do that day. To see what He will or has put in my life for that day. To say thank you.

Community

Tonight I went to a visitation for a young man who had passed away last week and had to wait in line to get to the family. I was awestruck! They had two lines going into the funeral chapel and the people kept coming. I was thankful there had been a private time for the family because there was none of that today at either visitation.

While I was standing in line a thoughts struck me about community, how we interact in each others lives and with other people, how a chance meeting could have a life long result, about people in the body of Christ but not only that but about a community in general. The families had been part of two communities for a long time and had work and served in both. They attended church, supported school activities, opened their homes to their children's friends, and to their neighborhoods. Their children had followed their example. The result of this example was the people that have sent their condolences, food, support, cards and love.

I listened as comments were made about how the families had touched the communities they live, work, fellowship, and play in. A revelation of sorts has started to form about being a part of a community and about what that means as a Jesus follower.

I have heard over the years of course that the job of the church was to "win souls for Christ", for heaven, to help them escape eternal damnation or an eternity in hell. I have heard we are preach to the poor, set the captive free, bind up the broken-hearted. I have heard we are to preach to the ends of the earth and that we should be a community unto our own and shut the rest of the world out and wait to fly away. It is all true and I believe most of what has been said.

But what I seen tonight just really made a gospel real. Jesus said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your mind and all your soul. This is the greatest commandment. The second greatest commandment is, "Love your neighbor as yourself." John in his three letters talks much about loving God and loving each other and even though Jesus said that we would do greater works than He and certain signs would follow those that confessed His name. I am sure we all would have rejoiced had this young man sit up in his casket, well after we got over the shock of that happening but what greater "sign" could there have been than that kind of love and caring.

A sign of the sacrifice many people made to take time and drive to another city, to stand in line, to bear others up whose hearts are breaking. To witness several communities to come together to lift up another friend, relative, co-worker, and church goer. To know that each person was bearing an image of God to each other there even.

This is what, I am sure, Isaiah was referring to when he wrote to preach the gospel to the poor, to bind up the brokenhearted, and give an oil of gladness for a spirit of mourning. This is what Jesus was talking about in His priestly prayer to His Father to "make his followers one just as you and I are one." In a world that is torn by disappointment, grief, hurt, and all those ugly emotions but we can even rejoice with one another when a new child is added to our family, we achieve a goal, a diploma, a new job, or to care for one another after a surgery, a car accident, a move or a change from the daily grind.

I seen it tonight, I have experienced in my own life, and I have seen it in larger venues such as conferences this is when the Jesus follower's shine. It is with this sign, this love, this feeling of community that the world will truly see a God unlike any other gods of the world.