This word as been circulating in my mind for a while now and has become even more my feeling regarding certain events. The word has taken on feeling for me and it describes where I feel I am at in my life right now.
The betrayal I am experiencing is not from a person but it is from my body and all the things that are occurring in my body physically right now. It is very frustrating for me to have deal with all these little nuisances. A few years ago some people told me that it is very easy to become ill in the first couple of years after a death, however I really didn't seem to experience that other than the strange bout of cellulitis I had in both my legs. In '08 I had my right knee replaced but after that it seem like I would get ill with some little bug a couple times a year. I was able to deal with those things and in '12 it became obvious I needed my left knee replace which was able to happen in '13 but instead of bouncing back from that like I thought I would I continue to have some problems with the tendons. I have found out that I need my gallbladder removed and that has become a source of irritation. The last week or so I have been weepy over most everything.
When I went back for my RN I didn't plan on not working these were suppose to be glory days for Mike and I and then for myself but it has been almost everything but. I have done some neat things like go to conferences, travel to Nashville, Houghton, and St. Louis. But not to Ireland yet or some of my other dream places.
Much of this journey has been a journey of recovery for my emotions, my mind, and maybe for my body because I was so busy taking care of everyone else that I did not always take care of myself. I know stress can take a tremendous toll on the body but I would really like for recovery to be over. So I will wade thought this next bout of things that need to be taken care of and see where I end up.
I feel that my best days are behind me. What is God gonna do with me now? Am I even any good for Him anymore? I can listen to all the encouraging sermons and yet not walk away with encouragement. My feeling is what is gonna go wrong next. I don't feel I have the joy or expectation that a servant of Jesus should have. I think this down feeling is due to physical dysfunctions but it is present a nagging manner.
So I pray; Help. Hold Me Jesus. And wait for direction.
