I have found that this journey for me has meant to grieve things I didn't have as well as what I have loss. Yesterday was my dad's birthday and he would have been 82 but in remembering that was also remembering the loss of not being a father.
My dad was limited due to childhood seizures that left him emotionally and cognitively a child too. He was able to sign his name but could not read and this skill eluded him even though he eventually went back to school to learn. His parents over protected him but he was still limited emotionally. I know he could love and I remember being disciplined for say a naughty word when I "burned" my self with my play iron while ironing a doll dress. Before his death I do know he loved me as best he could.
My mom died in 1995 and I always felt she did not like me and in part that is true. I looked like my dad's side of the family, my paternal grandmother felt my mom was not able to adequately to care for me, and we lived with my paternal grandparents. All these blocks built quite a wall between my mother and me. She also talked of this wall often too which reinforced her dislike of me. I was too tall, my feet too big, I was not a male, I wore my heart on my sleeve, I cried too easily, I didn't have brown hair and eyes, and a list of other things I did not have. All of this left me feeling like I did not belong to this family and I do remember looking for adoption papers when I was about 8 or 9. The year she died I was about to graduate from nursing school and my husband told me how excited she was and how she was planning for my graduation. She love me the best she could.
I have felt envious of people who have been friends since their school days or college days or early parenting days. I feel I have one person that has been a forever best friend. But the Father has blessed me with many long time friends who have stood in prayer with me and for me and who have been there is the stormy times of my life and encouraged me, loved me and rejoiced with me.
All this early initial, rejection has left feeling like an outsider, never really accepted by anyone. It is true I am alone right now in my life right now because I am a widow. But in a couple hours I will be joining church people for Bible study. I have friends to call and to invite over. I belong to a body of believers called the church.
I belong to a Father who created me and knit me together in my mother's womb and instilled the gifts in me that he wanted me to have. He created me not my parents and I am not too tall or have the wrong color hair and eyes and I don't cry too much or not enough. I am esteemed by my Father. Just as I am and what needs to be changed He gives me the ability to do so by the Holy Spirit.
Satan lies. The lies come to thought and when I dwell on that thought it becomes distorted and I see pictures of his lies and distortions.
Thanks you, Father for lifting me up out of the miry clay of lies.
