I Can't Even

I have been sitting here this evening listening to different songs and have gotten stuck on the song by Joyce and Colbert Croft, "I Can't Even Walk Without You Holding My Hand." "When God Has Another Plan", is another song I have been struck by tonight. Even though I am not sure of the theology of God having another plan it has a lot to say in it especially the chorus that says,

 "When God has another plan walk on and just say yes, when God has another plans be assured he knows best, when all your dreams are shattered walk rest in his sufficient grace we don't have to understand."

These songs have just brought home to me one more time that it is in submitting to God's will and trusting him is the only way I can get anywhere. Anything I try to do in my own strength is built on shifting sand and will not stand the test of time or the storm that is to come.

I do want to know the why's but my knowing won't change the outcome or get the task done any better or faster. His grace is sufficient and like God said to Job,

¹ And now, finally, GOD answered Job from the eye of a violent storm. He said:
² "Why do you confuse the issue? Why do you talk without knowing what you're talking about?
³ Pull yourself together, Job! Up on your feet! Stand tall! I have some questions for you, and I want some straight answers.
⁴ Where were you when I created the earth? Tell me, since you know so much!
Job 38:1-4a (MSG)

Halfway Plus

I noticed from my last posting it was January. Again since then many things have happened and life has continued to come each 24 hours. 

I am no longer at the highrise but I like the name so it will continue to be my blog title. Two things happened one, I was written up for not showing an ID 8 times and  I wrote a letter to the newspaper regarding life at the highrise and management pursued evicting me. The other thing is I needed to move 6 months prior to being evicted and didn't. I moved in with my aunt in March.


Mike has been gone 6 years now. 


I took some classes for a Bachelors, and right now I am taking a break. I started yoga. I am finding cooks for Twice Fed again. I went back to choir hopefully the anxiety attacks will quell.
Abi turned 1 in March and Acelynn turned 1 in August. Mike and Kary celebrated 5 years in May and Brian and Sam celebrated 8 years in July. 

Sam and the girls came up for Zac's open house and Brian came with them for Ace's party. I took Jaylee down with me to Sam and Brian's over Memorial holiday and Laben over Labor day holiday.


Summer cell has come and went, and so has Fremont Baby Food Festival, and Irish fest is coming up.


I have had 3 interviews and hoping for the clinical analyst at NOCH.  I have 8 weeks of unemployment left.


The journey of the last 6 years has been a series of valley's, twists and turns with moments of joy splashed in. My faith crashed when Mike died. The anger overtook me and I became much like a two year old having a tantrum. God held on to me and gently and sometimes not so gently guided me through it all. 


This journey has been a molding of a clay vessel. The old vessel was cracked, chipped, weak, and just too broken to be molded anymore. So God reclaimed the clay. (google it) Now a new vessel is being molded. This process has included getting rid of doctrine and belief's that were not really Biblically sound but random scriptures that had been pulled out of context and used as doctrine. Like when you plant money as a seed you will reap 100 fold or Jesus' healed them all miraculously. I believed there was a chance that when I died God would say I am sorry I can't let you in because you did this back then. True I had a very hard time seeing anything good about me and because of that I could not believe God would give me any gifts or want me around in heaven but I was to used then cancel the deal at the last minute. 


All things of scripture I was looking at through eyes of a child who grew up not being liked by the adults raising her, perceptions of several church doctrines and just accepting what I was told was truth just to be accepted by someone yet never feeling accepted by anyone. Don't get me wrong I know in there own way some of the adults loved me but they didn't know how to show that love because of their own stunted growth. Most people do this type of sorting out in their twenties and then there are the stragglers who don't do it until 50.   So God molded new eyes for me to look through and showed me grace.


As a new vessel I am learning that this is a Kingdom of God mission. That message has become reality after twenty years of hearing and teaching it. Our time on the earth is not just waiting for Jesus to come back (i knew that, we are to occupy until he comes) but now I know what I am to do to occupy. I am finally starting to live Isaiah 61 not realizing this was something that was to be done by me and not someone else. I did not want to deal with, loving the unlovable close up, or being involved on the ground level. I could teach someone else the principals and they could do the dirty work.  The Potter had other ideas for a while this pot could catch some tears.

I have learned there is a difference between Kingdom thinking and Christian thinking. They don't always agree or line up in the main streams of theological thought. Kingdom thinking is not suppose to Christian thinking should line up with Kingdom thinking but the majority don't. So there is this remnant that The Potter keeps shaping and molding.


I learned a lot about grace and how much I need it and how much I don't give it and how much I should and could give it and I am learning how much it has been given to me. I have learned God loves me, He knows my name, and He will run after me and take care of me. I have relearned the one day at a time concept and letting today's trouble be enough and what bread and water I need in that day The Potter gives. Trusting him is one day at a time too and some days I fail. But getting back up is the key. 


I am learning when all is said and done it is how I finish even with the goofs, failures, successes, and victories over the years. 


I am still on The Potter's wheel he has worked the mars out of the pot, I have treasure in this jar of clay and he has reclaimed me to work me into a vessel of honor. And as of today ALL is not said nor done.