Lost

It still surprises me when these feelings come flooding in and then I get teary eyed then frustrated with myself. So now here I am at home by myself and the thoughts roll on along with some tears maybe and this lost feeling and remember what I have lost.

I was at a party tonight for Randy and Lisa they are getting married July 24 and it was at Jeff and Gail Hall's house and that used to belong to John and Karen Peters and I was remembering the girl scout meetings I was at there, the cookie exchanges, and how Sam had babysat there then I remembered our house on West Dale and how I had worked so hard to keep paying on the place only to have it deteriorate and before I had the chance to remodel gave it back to the mortgage company. Then I remember how I am alone now and don't like it and instead of being alone in an apartment I would be alone in a three bedroom house. But then I feel lost and like I don't belong to anyone or anywhere like I don't even belong on the earth. So I have the music going and Monday I will start my new job. Then the Lord can lead me to a new place to live. Tomorrow I am going over to Diane Sodini to have lunch, swim and watch the air fair.

I do miss my daughter and I am frustrated for them that Brain has not found a job yet. I want to see Mike and Kary get along better and for him to rededicate him self to the God of his youth. Tim to see the realities of the scripture. I want to spend more time with them all. That should come in August.

Maybe someday I will have a house again. Someday I may not feel so lost.

Belonging

Belonging as defined by Merriam-Webster means possession—usually used in plural close or intimate relationship .

What is a sense of belonging? Where does that sense come from? If it is not there can we ever get it? 

I have found this journey interesting even though most of the time I have resisted going in where it wants to take me which has been out of my comfort zone. However, sooner or later I am back on the trail and am finding my way down the road.

It has been so strange to me that no matter what I have did I have always felt like that fifth wheel and yet I know people care about me, for me and with me. I usually have a good time with whoever I am with and embrace the friendships that I have. 

I know I belong to a kingdom whose Father is God. I know I belong to different groups, and I know that I have "a friend that sticks closer than a brother".


Still...that longing to actually "feel" that I belonged was so overwhelming at times that I could not stand it. I am thinking however that if stay on the road to holiness I believe that I will become whole and as I become whole I will feel that belonging feeling.