December 23, 2008

The darkness is all over outside but in my apartment there are snowflakes flashing, two electric candles in the window, tree lights are on, and candles burning giving off scents of cinnamon and gingerbread. Two days before Christmas and as I look out from my ninth floor window I can see snow coming down but at least I can see the street lights. My apartment has finally warmed up from the south wind and I sit here wrapped in my prayer shawl and watching Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas.

Today I went and got my books for next semester The Family in A Psychological Crisis. I downloaded all the info I need. This is my last semester and I pray I can handle it. The stress from last semester about put me over the edge and I am so grateful for the next two weeks off. My plan is to repair my psyche.

What I will be doing on Christmas is still unknown to me. Mike, my son and Kary, my daughter-in-law will be in Hesperia with her folks, Sam and Brian are in Indiana and I can't get down there yet and Tim is in Muskegon but is banned from Hartford Terrace because he has spent 14 nights with me when I was recovering from knee surgery. Tomorrow I will be taking Pam shopping and then we are going to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" in the evening.

I did get a chance over Thanksgiving break to read "The Shack" and I really enjoyed it. I have made notes and underlined in the book. A couple of things really stuck out to me and I am praying that they sink into my brain and heart.

One is that maybe I don't trust God because I didn't believe He is good. I know He is good and I see Him being good to others, and I see his goodness but deep with in my heart I disn't believe He would be good to me. I had perceived and believed that if I were the last person on earth He would not have died for me because He would have found that intrinsic character flaw that would have canceled the deal. Whether it would have been the fact that I was female, my eyes were blue, too tall, too big, or I looked like my dad, got C's on a report card, or was too self-righteous, or too hard to live with or something else would have canceled the deal. Yet He did die for me and He dearly loves me. I have been meditating on how much He loves me and letting the Holy Spirit work on destroying the lie and replace it with my Father's truth. He dearly loves me.

Another thing that resounded in me was the fact that God does not want to justify my life but redeem it. Wow!

Here I have been working so hard for grace and it has been here all along and poured out on my life. My life has been of one performance after the other but it never impressed my Father because He loved me as He was knitting me together in my mother's womb. Now I am learning to live with this unconditional love and trusting Him with and in my life.

This truth is very new for me to revel in and allow the Spirit to imprint it in my being but I am letting Him and asking the Spirit to help my unbelief because Father says, " For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV)" He knows the plans He has for me and I was OK with that but then I realized I don't have to have a Plan B because the Father will take care of that but I must admit I freaked when I realized Father does not have a Plan B and that it is Plan A all the way. Yeaks!!!!!!!!!!!!! For this check list, a place for everything and everything in its place, every blank filled person that was a panic attack waiting to happen! I am doing better now with that truth but this will take me a little bit to totally digest.

Redemption born in Bethlehem to a teenage mother and a stepfather carpenter that only shepherds came to visit whose first bed was a mangter filled with hay that animals had been eating out of during the day. Yeah I can relate to that.

Year Ending

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,..."
- Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities, about the era of the French Revolution
January started off with a knee replacement and the operation and recovery was fantastic. Physical therapy didn't wallop me too much. My right leg is now pain free.

March 19 I was ready to go back to work but my job was scaled down and I had Tim living with me again and after thinking I was going to move I ended up staying at Hartford Terrace. Tim also got an apartment here until he moved to Big Rapids in August to attend Ferris State university. He now has two semesters left and is working as an intern for a company there in Big Rapids.

April I turned 50, my year of Jubilee and it was celebrated at one of my favorite restaurants Flamingos II on Laketon with family and friends. I Loved it!!! I also got my first tattoo. Samantha organized the party and she and Brian are now living in Avilla, In. Gwen is 5 and Ambree 4. She is homeschooling this year and now the youth director for Calvary Lutheran Church. Brian is head maintenance man at Impact 28:18 a camp in In.

June 30 my dad entered heaven and is now united with his Lord and other family members. It was rough to see him go but I knew that is what he wanted so it was also a blessing.

September I started the nursing program again and that occupied my fall. Mike and Kary were blest with a beautiful baby girl, Jaylee Lynn on December 10 and weight in at 6 lbs 15 oz and 18 inches long. That make 3 for them Laben is in first grade and Noah in headstart. Mike is currently laid off but is applying at temp services and at Gerber's in Fremont.

This year has also been one of much learning for me and the Holy Sprirt has been very patient as he has repeated some of those lessons. I am grateful.

My prayer for all is we really enjoy the blessings we have now and in the new year. I also thank my Father for all of you.

Click here for pictures then click on slideshow in the upper right. Show info tells you all about it. http://www.flickr.com/photos/24609558@N06/

Storms

The snow if fiercely coming down out there and right now reminds me of the what is happening in me. I don't want to be depressed or alone but here I am and it makes me susceptible to being bushwhacked. I know some of the plans God has for me and I just have to depend on Him to fulfill those promises. And I have to keep the door closed to the outside voices that would try to tell me other things.

In Avilla

After a 233 drive in the rain yesterday I arrived at my daughter, Sam's at 7:30 pm and greeted by two very excited granddaughters! We toured the camp today where Brian works and made carmel popcorn balls and had pancakes and bacon this morning. We watched football and took a nap. Tonight I am with the girls and Sam and Brian are on a date. I am reviewing vents for nursing class and food and water stuff. God is good.

Classes

I am starting on week two now that I have been overwhelmed and recovered from week one. Next week we actually start clinicals and that will be another challenge. Slowly I am getting my days in order and this is a never ending process. Feeling lonely tonight so it is time for bed.

Daily thoughts from the highrise

First Day

I made it. First day done. Now I have to go from a nurse to a student. Writing care plans is my challenge and then remembering things and reading questions in the proper order without twisting words around of putting words in that are not there.

Classes

Tomorrow is the first day. Even as an adult that first day of school can be stressful and nerve racking. Good news is I only have to do one day at a time and it will probably go faster than I realize. But for right now I am anxious but it will probably go just fine tomorrow.

Birthday

I finally have my birthday photos! It was such a great time of so many family and friends. It was so good to be together and celebrate my Jubilee! Even some of my co-workers from the hospital made it. The grandkids were big helpers. I loved it. The tattoo was my present from my son, Mike and nobody believed I would do it. Got em!

Lots of Things

Today was full of lots of things! Tim loaded up a trailer and SUV and moved to Big Rapids where he will be attending Ferris State University. I am going to miss the bugger. Even though he had a way of bugging me. Like cooking and not cleaning up his mess. But now I am alone again.
I will start school in 2 weeks so that will give me more to do.
I have also applied for a program called WIA. Meaning Worker Investment Act. This will assist me in not only finding a job but giving me money to finish my degree to get my RN. So far I have three part time jobs but with this help I may be able to cut it down to two part time jobs or one and occasional work at the hospital.
Friday night I am going to Kristy's house for a party night. My friends, Josh and Stacy will be there so I am real excited. They were here first and really reached out to me when I first started hanging around Bethany.
This Saturday at Bethany Church we are having a Gospel Music workshop for 8:30 until 5:30 and I am helping with that.
Sunday I will see my sister and I am going to call my son, Michael.
After not sleeping well at all last night I am about ready for bed now and with this headache in the back ground I think I will take something for it and rest.

Olympics

How cool is United States swimming this year!!!!! I am just geeked. The gymnastics, woman's basketball has been cool too. This has been great viewing this week!!!!

School

Well it is actually happening. On Sept. 2 I start school again for the RN nursing classes. By April 30 I can be graduating and getting ready to take my state boards for a RN license. I am excited, scared, and expectant. My dream is coming true and I am meeting the goal of my life at this point.

Late Night/Early Morning

It is now 5:54. I have slept about 5 hours and the throbbing in my new knee woke me up. I needed to move my muscles pulsating after the physical therapy I had yesterday. Still very swollen the knee did bend to 93 degrees. The staples come out today and I am excited that there will be a little less pulling. I am so thankful for the family my Father has given me here in Muskegon and their dedication to prayer. Again I am being carried......

A few days later

Now that is has been about a week I am now recovering from a total knee replacement and am homebound for another week. Not that I am moaning about it considering what the weather is doing out there!

I am having PT and the knee is moving better all the time. The swelling gets in the way of that movement. I am grateful for all the care I am experiencing from friends and family. I have good people in my life.

1-11-08
After spending 1/2 the day in Grand Haven getting stuff done for my upcoming knee replacement I took someone shopping then went to supper and picked up some stuff my self. When I got back the high rise seemed eerily quite for a Friday night and so far it has stayed that way. Living here is always a surprise from day to day never knowing what you will see or hear. But it does not take away the loneliness I have experienced since my husband died. I have been alone a lot of my life but I have not really been lonely, not like I am now. I continue to pray for that to be filled.